City City Bang Bang!*

Finally, it's out! Pardon the delay, I was just not in the right mood to write. This one is gonna be long, so, pardon that too!Anyway, let's start off with the basics trip details:

Locations: Ernakulam -> Munnar -> Thekkady -> Kumarakom
Total distance to be covered: Close to 600 kms
Time available: 5 days to be exact.
Mode of transport: Chennai -> Ernakulam => Train, To everywhere else => Qualis
Company: 2 couples and 1 stag. Total fun material.

After a 12-hour train journey to Ernakulam (11 hours of which we slept) our white Qualis met us, along with Raju- our guide cum driver. I, keeping up with tradition, was the back-seater. Which in this case was so not cool. Which meant having American Tourister trolleys for company and being the official supply cabin of the vehicle. Which also meant that it really didn't matter if I had motion sickness, I just had to hand over whatever was required whenever required. More fun material!

Destination I: Munnar
Temperature: For a Chennaiite, just the right temperature to be turned into a human popsicle.
Ok, embarassment time. I have to confess my ignorance. I don't know why or how, I always thought Munnar was one of those beachy places with an abundance of sunshine. Somehow 'Munnar' just doesn't have a hill-station-ish ring to it, like say, Kodaikanal or Ooty. Thankfully, when I was just about packing my bags, Pp 'reminded' me to carry warm clothing. And the closest to 'warm clothing' I carried along was a couple of shrugs (For those uninitiated into women's-clothing, these are those small jacket-ish things that are meant not to cover anything but just be worn anyway. And oh, both of mine had holes all over).

The trip, though, helped me to discover another of my hidden facets - getting up a mountain makes me as sick as, uhm, someone sick (I should stop trying to use similies). I've heard a lotta people tell me earlier that they tend to feel nauseous when going up and blah, but I always thought I was that 'steel-body' kinds and nothing could affect me. And so through the entire trip, the only position I could be found in, in the car, would be curled- hugging the seat with my eyes tightly shut and that weirdly pukey, groggy expression on my face. But I guess the rest of the world in that car were oblivious to my discomfort. Every now and then I would hear someone go, "Preeti? What are you doing? Why so silent? And oh yea, pass me the water". And I would mumble something incoherently and they would go, "Always sleeping. Wonder why you came for the trip!" They should be thanking their stars I wasn't well enough right then.

To top it all, our 'resort' was located somewhere close to the tip of the mountain and the only other thing we could hear at night other than our own echoes, was the slow but constant zzzhhhhhhhh of the wind through the trees. And it was LOUD! Like each tree had it's own amplifier and 3-D surround speakers or whatever. I slept in between my parents (Fine, I'm a killjoy, but in my defense, those noises were pretty eerie!) Dad fell sick and Dolz was puking through the night. So much for a 'relaxing' vacation.

We did do our share of 'sight-seeing' and 'photo-taking'. We even climbed some real high peak to spot a couple of 'wild-goats'! C'mon, they are goats!!! Incidentally, when I was passing on this 'just goats up there' information to the rest of the family, one of the officials out there happened to eavesdrop on our conversation and he immediately burst out, "It is naat justa goatsa madam! These goatsa are seen wonly here! Nowhere else in the entaayree warld you will see this, ok???So don't say 'just goats' ok??? Too bad for him I was just recuperating from the journey uphill. (My motion sickness seems to have been a blessing in disguise for a lotta people, huh?)

The rest was the usual valley, waterfall, echo point thing. I mean, what else could a mountain offer!? Yea, yea it was beautiful, picteresque and all that. Yea, every crappy picture of mine looked frame-worthy because the place was just so-damn-beautiful, but even excessive beauty could cause sore eyes! We were really glad when 2 nights after, it was time to head to Destination 2. I must say, you see one mountain, you've seen 'em all!

Destination 2: Thekkady
Temperature: Uhm, sunny but cold. Not too bad
We found Thekkady a lot better than Munnar. We reached around 12.30 pm, had lunch and wanted to check-in. But we were told by our driver that once we check in, we couldn't get out after 6 pm. We were intrigued and assumed it was because wild animals would be on their rampage or something equally exciting, but he confirmed it was nothing of the sort and had to do with political crap.

We were in a 'Tiger Reserve' with supposedly 45 tigers inside and we spotted anything but. Infact, I think all we saw (apart from killer insects) were 'Wild' Domestic animals. Like wild pig, wild buffalo, wild goats etc etc.

Me and Dolz were certain we spotted quite a large no. of UFIs here -Unidentified Flying Insects. And by large no., I mean LARGE. If in Munnar it was the noise that kept me awake, here it was the lack of it and the fear of waking up to an insect-infested body! (inspite of sleeping in between my parents!) Thankfully, we spent just one night and a couple of hours before that here.

Other stuff we did there was: Go on an early morning boat-ride (we saw a lone elephant somewhere in the distance, or so I think), watch a Kalaripayattu show (which was AWESOME really. Will try and post the videos), go to a wax museum (which had wax dolls of Mohanlal and Mammooty, which we got to know from the sign-post below. They also had aquariums and really ugly paintings on display), do a bit of shopping (for nothing really) AND do an elephant ride. This was good. Me, Dolz and Harsh atop Sankarankutty (who was anything but kutti, ie, small). A 30-minute ass-fracturing ride. But who am I to complain when I'm not the one with 200 kilos on top huh? Oh, there was also this absolutely adorableeeee 1-year old ele baby named Kannan. He was just soooooooo cute and naughty! He even caught my mum's saree with his trunk and almost did a mini Draupadi-sequence there, if not for his care-taker's rebuke. It left my mum giggling and blushing while my Dad was FURIOUS! Time now for Destination 3.

Destination 3: Kumarakom
Temperature: Hot, humid, sweaty
This is the Kerala I thought I knew. And also what I wanted to see. Coconut trees et al! We stayed on one of 'em house-boats (corrected thanks to xh). Pretty good actually. Even the food. We were really in for a surprise when the boys on the deck turned out to be really good cooks! And they made alllllll of our favorite mallu food - puttu and kadalai, pazham pori, Pomfret fry for Daddy - all of it.

I know I sound like I really liked it. I did, but not for more than a day. (Part of my liking was because I was thankful as ever to be on levelled roads and no hair-pin bends!) The initial ride across the back-waters was really nice. It even rained. But how long can you stare at a huge expanse of water!?? After a point, I was just yearningly looking at the land across. It was the thought that there was just another day to go that kept me going. But I must say, the best food and sleep that we had through the entire trip was here. (Ignoring the million mosquitoes and lizards)

Finally, it was time to get back. We pit-stopped at 2 beautiful temples - Chottanikara and Vaikom Sivan temple on the way to Ernakulam. There we met up with a couple of our realllyyyy close family friends from Bahrain and it was time for a lotta nostaligia. That done, we were all set for Chennai.

I realized that I'm a total city person. None of this wildlife, greenery stuff for me. It's all fine to a limit, but not more. I just love the noise and bustle of a city, the fast-life, the luxury- everything! I need to see people move around, not just still-life. I can get my dose of the nature stuff from Discovery& NatGeo, paintings and google and I'm totally fine with that! I'll put up photos shortly. Left them at home and didn't wanna put off posting this because of that. And oh, thank you for your patient reading. You asked for it!

Update! P.S: 1. *- The title IS a popular show on Radio City (as Scribblers Inc. pointed out) It isn't a coincidence, I used the name to express my love for the 'city' but I guess I should've included this attribution before :P
2. I've also come to the conclusion that most of you thought I had a good time. Well, I had an O.K time which definitely is not the same as good. This post was meant to be sarcastic but I guess a lot of it wasn't received. Anyway, maybe I should accept that (it sounds like) I had a good time!

No Peanuts for me Please!

I'm a very weird person really. As I've probably mentioned a million times over, I'm crazily sensitive and sometimes the weirdest of things gets on my nerves and irritates the hell outta me. One of those things is, going by the title, what is most commonly known as the F word - Flirting! (Not that F word!).

Oh, before I continue, I realized that the title relevance would be lost on those who aren't local, ie, not from Chennai. In youth-Tamil (Tamil of the youngsters), we call flirting 'Kadalai podardu'. Kadalai = peanuts, podardu = putting. Now, eating peanuts is considered a time-pass and so is a guy talking to a girl. No clue where this phrase originated and where it was used first. Most likely to be in some Engineering college and as a code-word. There are many such interesting phrases but we shall look into them as and when required, ok class..?? *laughs at own alpa (trivial) joke*
This translation game is getting konjam (little) stale..Aaaah!!!

Anyway, as I was saying, I hate being the flirtee in the entire process of Flirting. I really don't mean to come across as vain (not even close, please!) but I have been on the receiving end of some lameeeee attempts and it kinda makes me :( I've got noooo clue why!Like this one sms conversation:

Me (tensed): "Ok, so I'll send u my resume by tomorrow. Hoping for the best!"
Guy: "Haha, you are so cute"
Me: ?!?!

The history behind this guy I unforunately cannot tell, just incase, but the reason it was sooo annoying was because I know for a fact that his intention was to flirt (though he claims he is in love with me. Like yea rite!)

I just wish guys would be normal when around a girl. Whether or not they have a crush on her or are trying to get her out on a date. Not all girls fall for flattery! And also when the display of affection or care has an (obvious) underlying motive, it creeps me out.

Like when I was sick last week (with just a goddamn cold), this guy actually gave me a mini condolence talk (that's what I call it) like I had some extremely communicable disease and would just about drop-dead any second.

And then there's reassurance. The you-are-so-pretty or you're-just-perfect routine. Sometimes I wonder if my adverse reaction is because I don't like, as in like, the guy in question and whether if I did like him, maybe I wouldn't mind this. But no, that's not true. It's just that it's all so obviously flaky and fake!

Unfortunately I'm a person loaded with guilt. My Guilt is the bane of my existence, really. I feel miserable not to reply to an sms from these guys because they are friends, afterall. But at the same time, I'm extremely conscious of my intentions being misconstrued!

Friendly is fun and funny is fine, but flirty....? No, no, no!

P.S: 1. I'm not a mean girl! I'm not :-/ :(
2. Today is special. EXACTLY 1 month to go for my Birthday!

Work Culture??? Pah!

This is probably the only moment in (my) blogging history that I feel i should've maintained anonymity.

Why? Because I HATE my office and I'm gonna be all super-bitchy in this post and what if someone from here is reading it...? Hmm, actually thinking of it, I'm sure none of these stupid, sad-ass morons around me would even come close to understanding the meaning of blogging.

Why am I here then? I guess it was because my aunt recommended it and so once I got the job, I couldn't turn it down. Also, the pay is decent and then there's the proximity factor. Hardly 10 min from my house. I should've just listened to my Dad. He kept telling me NOT to take this up. But I was insistent, as always, for no apparent reason. First of all, work and me itself are like miles apart. On top of that, I need to work in a place like this. So much for career idu adu. I quit my previous one 5 months into it cuz of this. And it's just been 4 months here. So, Why this frustration?

Reasons:
1. I work in a 3-member department. 2 men & me. Both married, both cheap fuckers. And they have ego-clashes as to who the bigger fucker is.

2. No Freedom of Speech & Movement: There's just ONE girl in this entire damn office that I talk to. Which in itself is a first for me. As in, I generally tend to make friends really fast. But here, since I'm in a totally different department, interaction with others is low. And I'm not complaining because I think I already have too many friends to handle. Now, I sit in the basement and she in the 1st floor. There isn't a loo on my floor (Yea! Imagineee!!!) and so I need to go up everytime. When I do, I just stop over at her place and do the usual "Had lunch?How's work?I'm so boredddd!" talk that lasts all of 2 mins and get back to my seat. Apparently sometime recently, her boss asked her why I keep coming up and talking to her so many times!!! (For 3 l of water, 3 loo-visits is within permissable limits, right??)

3. They have like a fuck-all 'dress code'. You have to wear a dupatta. Even if it has a high neck and full sleeves. Apparently, there are people from local colleges who work here as well and so the precaution.

Corporate Culture - my fucking torn bamboo chappal! I know it probably isn't reason enough to quit, but I sincerely wish I could. I could just say it a million times over that I'm not meant to work. I should be having my own restaurant or boutique. I should be designing clothes and conjuring up delicacies rather than preparing tender bid documents! Ayo ayo, enna kodumai sir idhu! (Translation: Oh!Oh! What torture sir this is! As alwayz, effect lost in translation)

These are also moments when I wouldn't mind being married - as long as the Mister is loaded and I would be designated "Home Maker"! *sigh*

"D"

"D" for Death.

Sorry for this morose beginning, sorry for writing on this Dreary Dreaded Depressing topic of Death, sorry to all those of you who thought I'm a happy-happy person all the time, sorry if this post isn't gonna be a happy one and sorry if this is gonna bring you down. But today is one such day when everything else seems immaterial and life itself seems larger than it is.

This post is replacing a VERY HAPPY post. Something I was dying, uh, something I REALLY wanted to share with all of you. Something that meant a whole lot to me, but right now this seems more important.

Someone died in my office today. This boisterous, bold, loud, energetic, live-wire of a woman. I didn't know her personally, ofcourse. Just met her a couple of times, but Death is always shocking, it always hits with full-force. Worst part...? She killed herself. I don't think details are necessary, not that I know much but for this, but it still is unbelievable.

It's moments like these that make me extremely vulnerable to a torment of emotions. I'm sad for her death. I'm happy for my life. I'm thankful for everything. I'm anxious about the future. I'm shocked at her courage. I'm appalled at her timidness. I'm glad I've got all those who are important to me with me. I'm worried for her family. I'm scared for her son's future. I'm curious to know where she's gone. I'm surprised it's HER. I'm admiring the woman she was. I'm wondering why.

I have always felt I am a practical person. I dislike and do not believe in living a quixotic, highly romanticized life. Does not necessarily mean I'm Miss-I-can-take-anything-that-happens, but I try to be. I cry, I break down and all that, but I talk to myself to have the strength to get out less hurt. I try because I want to try. I look forward to living. We do have just one life afterall. All that jazz on re-birth, past-birth and blah can go to heaven. If it happens or did happen, i'm never gonna know right? So I may as well forget what may have been or what will be and concentrate my energy on what is. And that is this life I have.

But I guess it's close to impossible to be practical about death. Probably because of the suddenness of the event itself. And then having to deal with physical absence and all its associated emotions. Anything can happen in the wink of an eye. Good, bad, ugly- anything. It is all going to end one day, so why think of it? Today is here and today is nice. Today is special and today is interesting. Today is NOW. It irritates the living hell outta me these days when small issues are blown outta proportion. when everything is made a life or death situation. Silly don't you think?

Let's forgive and forget. Let's move outta pain and into happiness. Let's try to just make OUR own life worth living. Let's celebrate the smaller things. Let's stop finding fault with ourself and others. Let's try to appreciate the goodness in others. Let's try to accept others the way they are. No point regretting later right?

As my Dad always quotes,"Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow we may die". Nothing else seems right to me right now.

May Her Soul Rest In Peace.

Update: I've been brooding ever since and I thought I must share this really awesome quote by, none other than, Thalaivar from his latest movie Shivaji-"Saagara naal terinja, vaazhara naal naragam aayidum" which translates to "If you know when you're gonna die, your living days become hell". I kinda reflect on it all the time.

If you can't Love 'em, dont Hurt 'em!

Disclaimer: I'm not a member of the PETA. I am not one of those vegan or whatever people as well. I am just an emotional, Animalitarian pet-lover.

Opening Speech: (At the expense of being ridiculed for sounding like a 5-year old, I'm gonna say this) "I have a dog. Her name is Chintu. I love my Chintu very much. I love all dogs very, very much. They are very nice, sweet and playful. They are very loyal animals. They are much better than most ****ing humans. Infact, all animals are better than those ****ing humans. Thank you."

It's true. Animals are far superior to the on-the-top-of-the-food-chain bunch. They may not have as much grey matter or white matter or whatever, but they definitely have a lotta heart matter and that's what we lack. Or atleast quite a few of us. Picture these:

Scene#1: At Dad's factory
Sounds of whimpering in the air. Like someone crying. Dad gets out of the car and looks around and finds a scrawny dog a little further. The dog looks up and Dad sees red. Nope, not anger, blood. The dog's eye is gouged out entirely and it was holding it up with its paw. Pushing the flesh in and it came falling back. Again in, and then down. And then it bent low and went back to whimpering. An absolutely appalled Dad asked someone what happened and the man told him that some sadistic, sad-ass fucker beat it with a stick. Cruel?

Scene#2: My Home
My lil Chintu darling is a harmless 4 yr old German Shepherd. And when I say harmless, I mean she's probably a million times more scared of you than you are of her (you => those of who are scared of dogs). All she does is spend her time in the garage looking out through the gate, catch flies and a lotta sleep and enjoy all the attention we smother her with. Now does this little innocent thing, behind the gate deserve to be stoned? Many a (moronic) passer-by has, chumma, for the heckuvit, picked up a huge stone and thrown it at her. At times, it would merely created a loud twang against the metal gate, while at other times it would get into the gap in the gate and hit her. And she'd be limping for a while after that. Heartless?

Scene#3: Footpath outside Vivekananda college
Eeyore maybe a hero, and maybe the Donkey in Shrek, but the ones found here are not even close. Tiny, cute things (I'm not being girly, baby donkeys are really, REALLY adorable) with shrivelled bodies and that dazed, bored expression, staring up at nothing, and then down at nothing again, too lazy to move, too lazy to even turn their head. Feeding on some scraps of paper thrown at them from time to time. Mean?

Scene#4: Bahrain
*Thwank* Mom rushes to the balcony and sees a tiny pigeon fluttering its wings trying to get away. Mom gets closer and it flutters furiously but unable to move. Mom lifts it up and gently smoothes its feathers and she notices its wings are safety-pinned together. Atrocious?

If you nodded your head vigorously and answered YES to the above questions, then Congrats, you have a heart. If you answered No, with a so-what-? expression, turn to the wall and lower forehead towards the wall with full force and repeat the action 100 times. If you can't, let me know, I'd be glad to do the honours.

The World is indeed a small place. The idiots are everywhere. Everytime I find a stone in the garage, I feel lava flowing through my veins. When I rush out to see the perpetrators, more often than not, it would be a bunch of young boys laughing and back-slapping away. I've tried screaming & cursing but they just mouthed obscenities back. No point talking to a wall, no?

There are manyyyyy people who don't really like animals. It's a matter of choice. I have a best friend who doesn't enter my place even now unless (baby) Chintu is tied up. It's because she had a real bad dog-bite experience once in her childhood and she's paranoid till date. Such incidents may cause rationality to take a back seat and that's understandable, but to go ahead and hurt those vaay-illada jeevans (mouthless creatures, or rather voiceless creatures) makes Cruella DeVille look like an angel.

Having a pet is really one of the best things ever. Watching them prancing around, doing their silly antics is a total stress-buster. Everytime I enter the gate, my (not so) lil Chintu greets us with a huge jump and a slurpy kiss. Even if she isn't well, she would walk up slowly, with her tail wagging away to glory behind her and stretch out her neck for a pat. If that isn't unconditional love, then I don't know what is.

Animals are intelligent. Period. Animals are loyal. Period. Animals are the best companions. Period. If you don't agree, fine. But If you can't love 'em, please, don't hurt 'em!

And then there are the FAT...

Men, Women and then there are the Fat. As far as I see it, this is THE most prevalent classification of mankind. The others, based on religion, caste, geography and all that blah, fade into oblivion.

I maybe digressing now, but lemme tell you a recent and relevant incident . Another one of those girl-inspection days. One set of parents walked in, walked over (us) and walked out. The 'Mom' was pretty sweet, all gushing that I was THE daughter-in-law they were looking for, while the 'Dad', well, he was a different story altogether. For the first 20 min of the conversation, the dude remained silent. So we were deceived into thinking he was the placeholder Decision Maker in the family whereas auntyji was the Real Deal. But then he opened his mouth. (Uhm, he did earlier too, but that was to stuff it with halwa, 25 pooris, potato AND unimaginable quantities of kalakhand that we served!) His first words were, "So, do you exercise?" If till then I was smiling and obliging, this question left me flabbergasted, because I knew where this was heading. I said,"Not really. I've been planning to, but haven't yet". Initially my mom got all defensive and for some godforsaken reason felt the need to justify," Illa, she used to go to the gym earlier but......no time now. And once she left it she put on more weight. But she loves working out. She....is very enthusiastic about it. She....diets a lot." etc etc.

Then he went on about how fitness is important and how his wifey aces 40 min on the treadmill every day (auntyji was beaming across the room) and how he is Mr.Calisthenics himself. All that with a belly the size of that cooking vessel in Jodha Akbar! Now, on a normal day, I would never be so mean as to say this about someone else, especially someone I hardly knew and that too well over 60. I wouldn't be judgemental about 'guests' coming into my house unless, UNLESS, he hadn't said all that he said!

Next he said, "I don't know what your weight is but I can tell you, you have to lose 10 kgs. And you should not gain it back after marriage". If I was flabbergasted before that, now I saw red. But I didn't say anything. Not that I care about what they think but I didn't want to make it seem like my parents haven't brought me up right. I could see my Dad and Dolz realllllll pissed on the side. Surprisingly, this time my mom (who is generally the one pleading/ screaming/ emotionally-blackmailing me into losing weight) laughed and said, "Actually, I've been after her to lose some weight for a very long time. But she says that Being plump is not a character flaw*. If that is the reason for someone to reject her, then she doesn't need a hyprocrite like that. She feels that what if after marriage if she puts on weight, the guy will leave her and go or what?" That moment, I could've just about jumped across the room, lifted my mom off the floor and given her a bear hug. I'm sure she would've thought I was nuts, but she deserved it!

{* That is a quote by a famous, wise, smart and intelligent person, aka Moi}

The opposition Mom decided to take charge again and subtly asked her husband to 'Ssshhh' and went on to pacify me saying,"Adellam thaana korayum. Just konjam exercise good dane. Don't worry, you are tall. Your weight doesn't show on you at all. You look really nice the way you are". [Translation: You will naturally reduce. Just a little exercise is good only] Sweet of her, yea, but not like I was worried and besides, the damage had already been done.

I may not be the dainty darling they are looking for but, what, if I'm fat I'm not marriage material but if I'm thin I'm the epitome of bahu-hood??? Maybe they should be looking out for Jane Fonda's daughter for their US payyan!

Forget just for marriage, fat bashing is everywhere. Fat people are the butt of all jokes. Harmless, at times, but never hurtless. All that extra adipose doesn't really cushion the heart from feeling bad! And you know...? Just because I'm taller and fatter than my older-by-4 years-but-shorter-and-thinner sis, I'm always considered to be the older one. It's almost like I'm gonna have to sport a disclaimer on my forehead henceforth reiterating my 'younger sibling' status.

It's such an annoyingly vain world out there that it really drives me nuts!Why is everything based on face value, or rather figure value? Even before saying hello, people have said,"Oh my god, you've put on soooo much of weight compared to the last time I saw you!" As I've said earlier, niceties are rare and unimportant.

But you know what? Call me plump, fat, gundu, chubby or whatever, atleast I'm happy. And I really would be a lot happier if everyone could see it too.

Excuse ME? Just who are YOU to tell ME that?!?

So much of bickering, so much of judging, so much of bitching in the air. And it's all so over- whelming to think and react to it. Yes, I'm talking about nasty statements, hurtful words and watchamacallit- Criticism, with a capital C.

For once, this post isn't instigated by some recent personal experience (Thankfully, nothing mean has been said against me recently..hehe..Uhmmm, ofcourse I'm discounting the 'unmentionable terminology' my mum directs at me everyday!). I'm gonna try and make this an objective post. On criticism, judgemental-ism and the likes. That faint line between well and ill intentioned comments that's there and yet, not quite. And I'd like to know how y'all react to it.

A recent post by Keshi on her favourite Indians caused a huge commotion in her comments section. People were telling her who she should've included and who she shouldn't have. I mean, seriously, do they even know what they're saying? As she rightly said, it was a list of HER favourite Indians and she likes them cuz she likes them. She doesn't need to explain it out to the world? If they've got an opinion, state it. Not everyone likes the same things and that's understandable. But to go on and belittle her choice and her and blah blah, that's a little too much, don't you think?

I'm an extremeeeellllyyyy sensitive person, unfortunately, and am pathetic with criticism (All those Zodiac sign thingies say that it's a Cancerian trait. And so, I'm gonna blame it on that) Be it positive or negative, I'd take it to be negative. If my mum tells me I need to lose weight, I think,"She hates me. She loves Dolls more cuz she's thinner". (Not kidding, that's what I think) If Dad says I could've probably gotten better marks if I worked a little harder, I'd think,"Well, he hates me too. I should probably just run away!" And I'd extrapolate those thoughts to the rest of the World hating me and feel like a nobody at the end of it! [Ultimate result: Depressed blogs ;)]

My mind pretty much shuts-down when I'm the victim of any form of scrutiny. Rationality takes a back seat and my defensive mode kicks in. No matter what the other person is saying. Even if implementing what they say is gonna transform into an angel overnight. But then, that's me.

There are those who've got a fuck-all attitude and I seriously admire that. I'm in awe of those who can brush aside such issues and go on like noone's said a thing. This is probably one thing we gotta learn from celebrities. Being in the hot-seat all the time, every move of theirs being scrutinized and publicized, they really need to have a lot of endurance to get through with it all.

I don't know if i've digressed somewhere. I've read and re-read what I've written to try and add a lil more sense to it but...not happening. So I'm gonna stop now. But not before asking all of you to tell me how you'd react to criticism- constructive or destructive.

P.S: 1. The title is indirectly linked to the post. A common retort to such comments. Just incase anyone wanted to know :)
2. @OK: If your reading this, my sensitivities should probably explain why I gave you that unwanted, extra long comment in reaction to your meaningfully harmless comment. Just struck a wrong chord somewhere deep within. My apologies!

I NEED to know now...Does it really hurt...?

Not love. Not breaking up. Not tattoos or peircings. What I wanna know is - Does it really hurt...to SMILE...?

My parents have taught me to be pleasant and polite. And being all full of manners as I am (atleast I try!), I smile at people I know. Not necessarily a buddy or the one-who-sits-beside me. I mean, could be someone on the same floor. There is this one girl at work, whom I see pretty often. I smile at her when I see her and what does she do...? Pass me by like I don't even exist! (This has happened,like, thrice)I mean, it's technically impossible to miss me, you know, thanks to my 'towering personality' (= huge). Besides, I was looking straight at her and smiling. And so, she cannot even use the pathetic excuse that I was probably smiling at the person behind her (or maybe she thought it was the cupboard...?or the wall perhaps...?) Doesn't anyone reciprocate niceties anymore?

She's not the only one. Me and Ruby joint aerobics recently. We were late (as usual) for our first class and the instructor told us to join the crowd and follow suit. We were all left feet and tripping and I looked at the girl in front and smiled sheepishly. She, inturn, threw me this disinterested, 'I'm-too-busy-to-waste-time-smiling' expression! (Adding insult to injury is the fact that she's as thin as a stick of asparagus while I'm that huffing, puffing plump tomato) Thankfully, there was another nice lady who just asked us to hang in there till the end.

With medical reports (eg: Smiling involves just 17 facial muscles and...), poems (eg: Smiling is a merry thing, blah blah blah"), songs (Remember Boyzone's biggest hit: Words, which began with-Smile, an everlasting smile.......??") and the likes of Hallmark/Archies coming up with the 'Smiley' (that cute, yellow thing on cards/keychains/anything & everything) , the entire 'Smile' concept is pretty much in your face. And so, I'm gonna assume the non-smiling kinds are extremely ignorant people with no life. Living in an igloo without a window and no humans around => Zilch people skills.

Or maybe I'm just ancient. Maybe being grumpy is in and I never realized. Well, the lean, mean men have always been considered hot. You know, the 'bad boy' image and all. Maybe that works for women as well.....? Maybe it's better. Would save guys the effort of saying those corny lines like "Your smile just killed me" or "I love the way your eyes light up when you smile" etc. Or maybe, they'd just change them and go, "Your frown just scared the shit outta me" or "Your dead pan eyes and frigid expression just turn me on".

Whatever maybe, a smile works for me. Lifts me up to smile and be smiled at. What do you think?

Million $ quote: "To Smile or not to Smile. That is the question" (by Will.I.A'int Shakespreeti)

P.S: Update: Ever since I've written this post (like 30 min ago), I've seen Girl#1 twice and I couldn't help but smile so hard, I looked sillier than the Cheshire Cat in 'Alice in Wonderland'!

MiSSiN' LoVe!

Song to perfectly describe present state:
"I've been wandering up n down the house
Wonderin what the hell to do!
............(irrelevant lines)
Ah, this is torture, this is pain
It feels like I'm gonna, go insane
I hope ur coming back real soon
Cuz I don't know what to do,
Chorus: Baby when your gone,
I realize I'm in love
Days go on n on
N the nights just seem sooooo long!
Even food don't taste that good
Honey, doing what it should
Things just feel so wrong
Baby, when ur gone"

by Bryan Adams

The house is silent. (Almost. Faint sounds of Mallu comedy, thanks to Dad, fall on my deaf ears) Me...?I lay sprawled on my bed staring at the fan go round n round n round n round n....you get it. My heart feels like it would explode with emotion. It feels heavy. Bereft. I never knew it would be so hard. I thought I could brave anything. But, this...this is difficult.

I've lost track of time staring at the empty space before me. The space 'he' occupied. Me and him would sit for hours on end, staring at each other, not speaking a word. A million images, a myriad of colours would flash before us. And I would laugh, cry and more with the stories he spewed on me. My constant companion. At times, my only companion. He didn't have to go now. Especially not now. When I needed him the most.

I'm low. Freaking, totally, absolutely, all-time low.

Oh yes guyz, the unthinkable has occured.

My TV has stopped working.

P.S: I really hope it's coming back soon. Pray.

Bald n 50, hot n sexy..?!

Rating: A

Disclaimer: This is not a work of fiction. Rather, as always, a work of emotion. It is not meant to hurt or please either sex. Dissent is natural and welcome.

Latest addition to my ‘List of Taboo Words’ - MEN (Also includes Man, Boy and anything masculine. FYI, few others would be diet, weight-loss etc etc).

Irrespective of age, I think they all think with the wrong part of their anatomy. I agree there are exceptions. There are those scattered, unintentionally good souls. The ‘decent’ lot. But then as my profs in MBA would say, “Exceptions are not examples!” And so, I can safely say that majority of the men in the world are born bastards. My views may seem extreme but I speak outta experience! I am pretty fortunate to have around me some of those real good guys. But then again, there are the others…

Case 1: The Boss - Right now the most happening story in my life.

The scoop: Getting hit on by my new boss at my new workplace. Bald and 50, glasses and a mole AND half my height! Oh and yea, he’s got a daughter who’s almost my age!

The Gory details: Unnecessary hand holding, extra long hand shakes (inspite of me trying to yank my hand away), irking references to ‘walks on the beach’ with us ‘holding hands’ and me in ‘western clothes’.

His explanation (for the ‘walking on the beach bit’): To test how conservative Chennai is, and to observe what stories people would spin seeing us together! [To which I actually told him something as lame as my ‘arranged’ marriage would get affected by it]

My retaliation: Though delayed, I managed to muster the guts to go and tell someone about what’s been happening. I know, I know. I should’ve done this earlier (waited almost 2 weeks, but then, it’s just been 2 weeks since I joined!). I should have probably told him off myself. I’m not denying I’m a coward. I hate the very fact that I am. But I just wanted to make sure of his intentions. I didn’t wanna seem assumptive or that I read in between lines. Come on, I was just 2 weeks in! Anywayz, case is pretty much solved. Sad part is I still report to him, but after a lot of convincing from the HR, the MD and a few others, I do see sense in remaining where I am.

After-math: Mr. I’m-so-sexy has his hands to himself and his tongue behind his teeth. (cuz hez got this ugly gap in between his teeth and he talks with a slight lisp when his tongue gets there. Blech!) Nothing untoward. As yet…

Case 2: The Random Lurker – Crass, gross and all those extra-eeewww stuff

The scoop: Me and Dolz. One walk through Rakiyappa theru at 9.30 pm. One stalker. Denim clad, cap and book in hand.

The Gory details: Dolz gets all paranoid that it’s too late to walk. [For all the right reasons. I, on the other hand, vehemently denied and condemned her fears as irrational. Afterall, juz WHAT could happen to 2 SALWAR clad girls walking down a dark alley hardly 100 yards away from their house. Special emphasis on the ‘salwar’ for those of you who are murmuring – jeans la pota pasanga paaka dan seivanga (i.e: if you wear jeans and all, obviously guys would look. Like it matters!)]

Anywayz, back to the scene of action. I keep telling her to shut up and walk. She walks faster. I beg her to slow down. Mr. Hunk walks faster. He overtakes us. I look at her and triumphantly think, “See, he wasn’t out to get us. Happy?” Just then she overtakes him. And I have no choice but to run and keep up. And then it happens. He says “Excuse me”. I don’t know what made me turn (my excuse still is that I thought he was calling to say we had dropped a bag or something). Dolz walks forward. I turn. He says, “If you don’t mind (!!!!), can I taste your ******”. In ENGLISH. Like saying ‘if you don’t mind’ would actually make me not mind. Like it’s mandatory to be polite at the most irrevelant-est of moments. Like I would be all forthcoming in the middle of the road (or anywhere). Like all I wanted was to turn around and….

My retaliation: Thu, oru mannu um illa. I ACTUALLY screamed, pulled Dolz’s hand and RAN. And HE turned around and walked away.

After-math:

1. Immediate: Shivering, sweating, heart thumping so hard it ached, tears and complaints to alllllllllllllll. (except appa amma cuz if they knew, I would be under house arrest irrespective of night or day)

2. 30 mins later: Embarassment. For having run away. Anguish. For his audacity and my foolishness at not listening to Dolz. Anger. At all men, and hence this blog. Resolve. To learn self defense and carry pepper spray. To never walk again- at night. To listen to Dolz more often, she is elder by 4 years after all!

3. Next morning: Sheer self-disgust. Thanks to my darling friends rubbing it in.

“You should have just turned and given him one-tight slap. I would’ve done that”.

“You ran? You should have held his hand and cut it! Carry a knife di”

“Medical advice: Crush his throat with index finger and thumb. Would stop blood to his brain and he would suffocate” (Like my dumb, numb mind could process that then)

Guys advice: “ONE kick where it hurts most. Would have put the fear of God in him”.

Questions my mind is throwing-up (literally) now:

1. Why me?

2. What if his family knows? (the boss)

3. Does he even understand what he is saying? (the stalker)

4. Why me?

5. Why can’t I be bolder?

6. IF (God forbid!) this happens again, what would I do?

7. Thank God Dolz was there with me. If not…? *shudder* [Not like I would have done anything but run otherwise]

8. Any one know where I can get hold of that pepper spray? A shot gun perhaps?

9. Any other suggestions for how to tackle mean men…?

10. And yea...are all men this way????

Answers please!

I’m Walking Away…

“I’m walking away, from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away, to find a better place”

(Song courtesy: Craig David)

I don’t really think I can find a better place than where I am right now , but I don’t really think I wanna be here. Not right now. As always with me, that element of doubt is present. The ‘I really don’t think’ part. I’m not sure of anything these days. Infact, for almost 99% of questions people ask me, my answer is a stereotypical ‘I don’t know!’

Eg: Other: “Where do you wanna go for dinner?”
Me: “Uhm, I don’t know”

Other: “Do you even wanna go out….?”
Me: “Uh, I don’t know!”

Other: “Why are you feeling low?”
Me: “I really don’t know”

Other: “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Me: “I guess, I don’t know!!!”

Absolutely unsure of what I wanna do or say, what I’m doing or saying, what I’m gonna do or say. In constant doubt. And to top it all, I’m sore. And sensitive. I don’t know if I have the strength to go away and yet I don’t have the strength to continue here. I really am a bundle of contradictions and complications!

As I always keep saying in all my blogs, I have changed in the past few years or so. But I have also said that I hardly introspect into it cuz it’s like a Pandora’s box (I hate using this phrase, but it’s the best to suit my present situation) and analysis of depression could become the cause of further depression! But then during one of my recent (like yesterday and today) whiney and cryey moods, I decided that it’s high time I sort out the muck inside me. I’m starting to annoy myself with my own sob stories. An over dosage of melodrama and self-sentiment!

To me, the analogy of my past is to that of mosquitoes. Annoying, buzzing creatures that are found in every dark corner and every shaded place, flying menacingly at you and sucking your blood. If you let it be, it moves on happily, growing stronger with the blood I fed it. But the satisfaction of squashing it is immense. (Sometimes I worry I’m a cold blooded, blood thirsty killer when I feel the utter glee that I feel on seeing the red and black goo splattered on my white wall. Now after the new ‘mosquito racquet’ has been introduced, it’s the gruesome burning accompanied by those electric spurts of the lil menace being electrocuted!)

I realize the indelible damage the past couple of years have done to me. I realize the irreversible changes that have occurred to my gray matter. I realize the disastrous effects my own follies have. One part of me says it’s too late to go back. The other says it’s never too late to go back. In this constant struggle, my mind gives up and I decide to let bygones be bygones. But not this time. This time, I’m gonna get to the core of this. I’m gonna pick and cut and poke at those mottled bits till the cancer is out.

I really sound schizophrenic, living in the constant fear that the world is out to get me, don’t I? Though I do really feel it, there is something I realize [I realize I’ve been realizing a lot…Of what use that realization is, I don’t know! ;)]. Well, it is that the world isn’t out to get me on its own. I let the world get to me. One of those in-the-past-2-years changes of mine is transforming into an extremely insecure person. I’m way too cautious saying what I wanna cuz I’m way too scared the other person is gonna turn around & leave. And so in the process, when I am angry or hurt, I prefer not to talk about it. (and if someone tries asking me, my answer is, but ofcourse, I don’t know!)

I fail to trust. Anyone. Friends, family, blah blah. All of them. I know it is absolutely baseless cuz I REALLY do have the BEST of friends and family. The BEST. Appa, Amma, Dolz, Harsh, Prakash, Jane, Ruby, Prathi, Satti, Aj, Andu, Ry, Rekz, Arch etc who actually ‘work’ on keeping me happy. To whom I am not just another person, to whom I really mean something. Yea, there were those who left my side. Who probably felt I wasn’t good enough for them (or that I was too good, as I’d like to think, hehe) but they don’t matter. Cuz I have the ones I want with me. But yet, I’m insecure (I did mention I was nuts dint I?). Insecurity = distrust = hurt. Unfair huh?

I really wanna reach out and let them know that I love them. More than life itself. I don’t care if I sound all cliché but they really make life worth living, make me smile, make me happy! And so I should be thinking of staying rather than walking away. But I guess the mind is a bundle of contradictions, and mine is the embodiment of it!

I’m gonna end this now. But I reassure all of you that my depression, like my attention span, is extremely short lived (span = 5 ms) and so here I am raring to join dance classes and aerobics, battling a pathetic 50 yr old bald and flirting boss and making plans for the weekend like this spurt of depression never happened! Man, it really feels good to feel good! ;)

Song on my mind:

“Oh bloody, oh blah-da, Life goes on..
La la la la, Life goes on…..!”

P.S: Pp,Please dont laugh! And please remember, you keep me happy, happy, happy!!!! Luv u way too much kiddo!!

Why me? Why NOW?

What, just WHAT is the necessity for marriage for a 23-year old girl?I'm perfectly normal, happy and content with the life I have. Ok, maybe not perfectly normal- there's no such thing as perfect anyway. Uh, maybe not totally happy- everyone has their fair share of worries and well, maybe not entirely content as well- I mean, tell me one person who doesn't wish for 'just a little more'! Oh, forget that, that's not the point! I don't understand why people around me- those nosy relatives, who are never there when you need them but alwayz around to cause trouble, have somehow succeeded in brain-washing my dear darling parents into getting me married! Damn them and the astrologers who said I'd get married by 2008!

To top it all, I'm single, which makes me ineligible for a 'love-marriage'. Not that I want to and not that I trust myself to find my own, but I CANNOT go through the entire pathetic, hypocritical, judgemental process of an 'arranged-marriage'. I find it prettyyyy embarassing that I am now officially registered on bharatmatrimony.com and keralamatrimony.com, thanks to my mixed lineage (Now I've got something to fill up that 'most embarassing moment' slot in slam books n stuff).

Horoscope matching, seeing photos, meeting, talking, unnecessary questions on my height, weight, complexion etc etc and more etc- God, I can't even imagine it all! And its happening- right here, right now. All the details on the website aren't me. Very fair, very intelligent, very beautiful, very......My Dad just loves me too much and I guess the love just overflowed in his description of me. Imagine them coming in and seeing a medium complexion, tall, fat, normal looking girl with brownish hair (and red and gold here n there), a tattoo (that can't be seen, ofcourse and actually, can't be known as well), 3 piercings on one ear and more blah??? Isn't that (to them)...blasphemy...???

I'm not ready for marriage. I'm young, not ambitious maybe, but yet I don't wanna be awife/ daughter-in-law etc so soon. And most importantly? I just can't imagine, not even for a sec, having to leave my parents. I mean, Dolz just got married man. My parents need me. They can't manage alone. I just love them way too much to think of being away. I wanna be Daddy's little girl alwayz...ALWAYZ... *sniff* Yea, I'm crying, yea I'm being childish, yea I'm being silly, but I can't help it. I can't stop feeling what I feel, can I? Damn, its difficult to see through blurry eyes.

All I can do is just wait and watch. I trust my parents not to push me into something I don't want, so I guess it isn't gonna be allll that bad. The choice is still mine. And if I say no, no it is.

Man, Why (the fuck) couldn't I have just been lucky in love...?