So I had a pretty okay weekend. The usual Saturday-with-friends and Sunday-with-family routine. But this Saturday, in order to take out our pent-up frustrations (against ourselves) on ourselves, we decided to try self-torture techniques. This was suggested by, none other than, my adorable sister. And we actually agreed. We watched a movie called Tashan. Starring: Akki-bhaiya, Style bhai Anil, Slinky Chinky Saif and Size 0 Kareen-o.
Oh, I must tell you, this post is less of a critical review and more of an "Issued in the best interest of the public" warning.
Ok, so to start, I'm going to attempt 'classifying' the movie genre-wise. Is it a comedy...? Not even close, unless you find the usual Bhai-ised English funny. Is it an action movie? Not if you call the usual barn-blowing-up in the climax and hero-escaping-unscathed-with-heroine as 'solid-action' Is it a lou-story? Uhm, maybe, everybody seems to be in love with everybody. Saif loves Kareena loves Akshay loves Kareena who is also loved by Anil. Is it a tragedy movie? Oh yes, yes, YES! For the audience.And Yash Raj films. Is it an educational movie? Maybe, they teach you how not to speak Englees.
Ok, attempt failed. Next let me try and find a basic point to the entire story (from whatever little I did understand from whenever I was awake)
Attempt#1: Do not steal from the Bhai-log. Or you'd have to face his red-haired wrath
Attempt#2: Do not trust a (flat-chested) woman just because she wears revealing clothes
Attempt#3: Englees hamara Universal language nahi is.
Attempt#4: Never trust the one you love. Worse, never trust the one who loves you. She just may end up being the bad guy's childhood love.
Ok, failure again. Forget it, guess I'd get into narrative-mode. Starting now.
Scene 1: Random car down a deserted desert. Hollywood-ish look. From the car emanates, alternatingly, some English song and Kabhi-kabhi-mere-dil-mein. The car swerves this way and that and finally catapults off the mountain and *splash* into water. Next shot: Saif. He bubbles something under-water about how he should've listened to his mother about something and blah blah and suddenly a gun is pointed at his head.
Flash-back time. Saif is, keeping with the current times, a BPO-guyand a part-time English tutor. Enter heroine: Wet-in-the rain plus padded-bra minus the pads Kareena. Love at first sight. She approaches him and says she needs his tutoring help but it would have to be home-tutoring. Would he refuse the offer?? Never! Duet song by the waterfall beckons, afterall! Unfortunately, he discovers it isn't she who requires the tutoring but her Boss, aka, Anil dada. He has 2 pachyderm-look-alike assistants, you know, the dumb, trained to kill types, who add that extra humour (?) element.
All is well until suddenly one day, Anil lashes out at Kareena for some unknown, mysterious reason and she runs away crying. Saif, all angry and protective, asks her to leave her job and "mujshe shaadi karlo" dialogues follow. But she refuses, because she is bound to work under him as it was her "pitaji's karz". Master plot: They decide to steal money (Kareena receives the 'money bags' containing crores from Anil's 'Clients') from Anil, run away and live happily ever after. So now, Saif realizes he needs to apply for 'leave' from office because he's 'running away' (!) and so he goes leaving her alone at his place. As expected, he comes back to an empty room.
Scene change: Salwar-clad desi girl becomes Bikini-sporting babe and she warns noone in particular "Don't look at me like that baby". There's really not much of her to look-at unless bared ribs are an attraction. Anyway, this is the right time for the entry of Main Hero: 'Akki' Bhai. He's the bred-on-violence-Dada-doting Associate Baddie. His mission: To search hither and tither for the 2 perpetrators and kill them. Wish that was the way the movie ended, but nope.
Akki 'interrogates' Saif but to no avail. That's when Saif realizes,"She would have gone to Hardiwar to lay to rest her father's asthi". And the journey begins. It's too boring to even get into details. Lemme gist it out. So they find her and threaten her to give the money and all that. But she's one helluva clever woman ok? She's hidden the money in different locations all over India!!And so the journey continues. In the midst of all this, she makes an indecent proposal to Saif that they could still take the money and run away now. So, to take care of Akki, Kareena 'flirts' with him to make him fall for her evil vices (depicted by cutting off her jeans into the tiniest of tiny shorts, baring her legs etc etc).
Highlight scene of the movie: Akki and Kareena having a tete-a-tete over Daaru and snacks on a boat by the river. A teary Akki reveals his innermost secret- how he, Ullu Ram, lost the only girl he ever loved- Guddi. Second flashback: He was a bijli thief and she, the cute lil girl-somewhere-near-next-door. Minor squabbles leads to big-time love and he asks her out on a date by the banks of the river. He goes there and some people attack him for stealing electricity. He puts a knife into one guy's leg, thanks to which, he gets sent to prison. Gets out 2 years later to find Guddi missing. End of love story. He completes his story and looks up to find Kareena, eyes glistening et al. She jumps up and says,"Ulluram, Guddi is I"! in not-so-poetic words. Yes, REALLYYY!!!!!
The rest of it is obvious. They join hands and decide to end Anil Dada's life in Tashan (style). And how! Our very own Bebo does a Kill Bill Uma Thurman-ish sky diving attack on Anil and pierces her long sword into his chest screaming "Aarrrrggghhhhh". The scene is unbearably gruesome, uh not the killing, but Kareena's contorted face!
Bad guy dead. Good guys live on. End of movie. End of post.
Here, this Crocin's for you.
Note: If any of you has seen the movie and liked it, please leave your contact number as a comment. A fellow hiphop-ian suggested rifle-shooting as a hobby and I'm planning to enrol. I'm not too sure yet, but I guess we would be required to bring in our own targets and I'm certain you could be of some assistance. So please, don't forget.