Feb 6, 2008

I’m Walking Away…

“I’m walking away, from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away, to find a better place”


(Song courtesy: Craig David)

I don’t really think I can find a better place than where I am right now , but I don’t really think I wanna be here. Not right now. As always with me, that element of doubt is present. The ‘I really don’t think’ part. I’m not sure of anything these days. Infact, for almost 99% of questions people ask me, my answer is a stereotypical ‘I don’t know!’

Eg: Other: “Where do you wanna go for dinner?”
Me: “Uhm, I don’t know”

Other: “Do you even wanna go out….?”
Me: “Uh, I don’t know!”

Other: “Why are you feeling low?”
Me: “I really don’t know”

Other: “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Me: “I guess, I don’t know!!!”

Absolutely unsure of what I wanna do or say, what I’m doing or saying, what I’m gonna do or say. In constant doubt. And to top it all, I’m sore. And sensitive. I don’t know if I have the strength to go away and yet I don’t have the strength to continue here. I really am a bundle of contradictions and complications!

As I always keep saying in all my blogs, I have changed in the past few years or so. But I have also said that I hardly introspect into it cuz it’s like a Pandora’s box (I hate using this phrase, but it’s the best to suit my present situation) and analysis of depression could become the cause of further depression! But then during one of my recent (like yesterday and today) whiney and cryey moods, I decided that it’s high time I sort out the muck inside me. I’m starting to annoy myself with my own sob stories. An over dosage of melodrama and self-sentiment!

To me, the analogy of my past is to that of mosquitoes. Annoying, buzzing creatures that are found in every dark corner and every shaded place, flying menacingly at you and sucking your blood. If you let it be, it moves on happily, growing stronger with the blood I fed it. But the satisfaction of squashing it is immense. (Sometimes I worry I’m a cold blooded, blood thirsty killer when I feel the utter glee that I feel on seeing the red and black goo splattered on my white wall. Now after the new ‘mosquito racquet’ has been introduced, it’s the gruesome burning accompanied by those electric spurts of the lil menace being electrocuted!)

I realize the indelible damage the past couple of years have done to me. I realize the irreversible changes that have occurred to my gray matter. I realize the disastrous effects my own follies have. One part of me says it’s too late to go back. The other says it’s never too late to go back. In this constant struggle, my mind gives up and I decide to let bygones be bygones. But not this time. This time, I’m gonna get to the core of this. I’m gonna pick and cut and poke at those mottled bits till the cancer is out.

I really sound schizophrenic, living in the constant fear that the world is out to get me, don’t I? Though I do really feel it, there is something I realize [I realize I’ve been realizing a lot…Of what use that realization is, I don’t know! ;)]. Well, it is that the world isn’t out to get me on its own. I let the world get to me. One of those in-the-past-2-years changes of mine is transforming into an extremely insecure person. I’m way too cautious saying what I wanna cuz I’m way too scared the other person is gonna turn around & leave. And so in the process, when I am angry or hurt, I prefer not to talk about it. (and if someone tries asking me, my answer is, but ofcourse, I don’t know!)

I fail to trust. Anyone. Friends, family, blah blah. All of them. I know it is absolutely baseless cuz I REALLY do have the BEST of friends and family. The BEST. Appa, Amma, Dolz, Harsh, Prakash, Jane, Ruby, Prathi, Satti, Aj, Andu, Ry, Rekz, Arch etc who actually ‘work’ on keeping me happy. To whom I am not just another person, to whom I really mean something. Yea, there were those who left my side. Who probably felt I wasn’t good enough for them (or that I was too good, as I’d like to think, hehe) but they don’t matter. Cuz I have the ones I want with me. But yet, I’m insecure (I did mention I was nuts dint I?). Insecurity = distrust = hurt. Unfair huh?

I really wanna reach out and let them know that I love them. More than life itself. I don’t care if I sound all cliché but they really make life worth living, make me smile, make me happy! And so I should be thinking of staying rather than walking away. But I guess the mind is a bundle of contradictions, and mine is the embodiment of it!

I’m gonna end this now. But I reassure all of you that my depression, like my attention span, is extremely short lived (span = 5 ms) and so here I am raring to join dance classes and aerobics, battling a pathetic 50 yr old bald and flirting boss and making plans for the weekend like this spurt of depression never happened! Man, it really feels good to feel good! ;)

Song on my mind:

“Oh bloody, oh blah-da, Life goes on..
La la la la, Life goes on…..!”


P.S: Pp,Please dont laugh! And please remember, you keep me happy, happy, happy!!!! Luv u way too much kiddo!!

11 comments:

Winds of Change said...

Err...well...i dno wat do say....and i mite not b the rite person to coment on this blog....cuz im confuzed as hel myself!.....and yeah....u btr get outa dat depression....cuz its nt worth it...ppl who hv walkd away frm u r those who r really nuts....so chill.....all of us go thru such tough timez....im not a perfect person to any1! family or frndz! n i dont think any1z perfect eithr! and at the end of it all, i guess wat matters most is, to find the ppl u want wen u really need them...and im sure all of us r gna b thr for each othr....gud or bad...wat r frndz 4 newayz!!!...

lotsa luv
u kno who

A.Johnson said...

"To whom I am not just another person, to whom I really mean something."

I felt glad when I read that. To know that you realize it.

To feel insecure, distrustful and hurt is something I've realized, the bulk of us go through but few express.

It's ok to feel this way P3san. No matter what, we'll always be there to listen to (or read ur blog on) you and support or advice you. Always there to care for you.

All this crap you already know. That's what matters.

Love

PS: the prev deletion was by me. Made a few typos.

Prathi:-) said...

p3... im absolutly terrified... whtz wrng di? i thought u were outts ur depression???? now whtz up???? and btw... its absolutly fine to feel all that ur feeling whn depressed... but sweety... dnt get drepressed too often ok? we'r all der for u :) and abt "working" to keep u happy... :D haha:D babes... wht r angels 4???? ;) jus kidding :) i feel happy whn we have fun rgt? we'r all happy :) so... no biggie:)
btw... who is Pp???

rantravereflect said...

:)
im tellin ya-alll ya need is 2 jus take life as it comes- enjoy every min n live life 2 the full.
Everyone hits the lows n the highs, the only thing we need 2 do is 2 maintain equanimity..
personally(thru personal experience) i feel this hurt, angst, extreme emotional depression is a sucker- it sucks ya into a whirlwind, which is a horrible place 2 be IN.its better not 2 evoke internal/external sadness/pity/sympathy then, cos then ya're left behind worse than ya were before..
Jus live life n maintain the balance, live lesser on expectations n the tring tring device, and fuk, jus LIVE!!!

The Techno Maniac said...

Hi,

I am sure you wud not want me to comment.. i just want to add an icing..

"It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. "

We know you love us and it works vice versa.. People say that the very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. I dont care abt that.. I think one must accept their friends as they are.. So damn the people who left you.. they did not know what they missed out! As you said.. u r better!!!

Your mind needs a mental release from the pressures of the workplace. Too much thought and too many hours invested in only one place lead to stress and fatigue.. So get the hell out of there and spend time with your best friends!

Cheerz,
Satti

--xh-- said...

after all the low and ups of life, it really feels good to feel good :-)

P.R.E.E.T.I said...

@robo: thnx for the 'condolence' talk.. ;) i knw u guyz r thr alwayz...ah! im depressed again! hahahahaha! :D

@andu: its not crap hunk. reassurance helps. ANY numbr of timez! thnx :-*

@prathi: scared u..?lil faint hearted fairy..! :D

@janie: sooo true..v hv alwayz been abt livin for the moment n doin wat strikes us as rite, whthr or nt the world luks at it tat way! :)

@satti: too many hrs of work...?who...? me..!? hehehe!

@xh: oh yes it does! :)

A.Johnson said...

To be clear,

The "Crap" was in reference to the seemingly senti line I'd said.

Not about the acts themselves.

P.R.E.E.T.I said...

andu san,

i gt tat the crap is fr tat seemingly senti line :D n tatz wat i meant...reassurance, or rather, reassurin wordz...alwayz help ;)

luvvvv u!

Jagannath said...

as ususal...i m the last one to comment...but this time ..the blame is on u...had been checking often for new posts from u till about...didnt come for a long time...so i figured u "retired" :)...hell, no though!

regarding ur topic...u know...personally...i believe that u never realise the worth of high moments unless u have low moments too along with it...everyone has a moment or too when they feel they suck, or someone else sucks or for the matter the world sucks...but the fact of the matter is to remember the bhagvad gita's main message, which is "Even this will pass away" (am i being philosophical or what today!)...whenever u r in a low moment..u shud think about the fact that it will soon get over...( oh yes...ur depression span is 5 mins...totally appreciate it)...

so cheer up..and also rememeber that life is too short for all these pesky depressions..."har pal yahaan...jee bhar jiyo...kya pata...kal ho na ho";)

cheers!

PREETI said...

@jag:iv nt retired..NO! not until my brain stopz tickin...

tick tick tick @#@#$@ .................