Silver Screen Debut...

So I had a pretty okay weekend. The usual Saturday-with-friends and Sunday-with-family routine. But this Saturday, in order to take out our pent-up frustrations (against ourselves) on ourselves, we decided to try self-torture techniques. This was suggested by, none other than, my adorable sister. And we actually agreed. We watched a movie called Tashan. Starring: Akki-bhaiya, Style bhai Anil, Slinky Chinky Saif and Size 0 Kareen-o.

Oh, I must tell you, this post is less of a critical review and more of an "Issued in the best interest of the public" warning.

Ok, so to start, I'm going to attempt 'classifying' the movie genre-wise. Is it a comedy...? Not even close, unless you find the usual Bhai-ised English funny. Is it an action movie? Not if you call the usual barn-blowing-up in the climax and hero-escaping-unscathed-with-heroine as 'solid-action' Is it a lou-story? Uhm, maybe, everybody seems to be in love with everybody. Saif loves Kareena loves Akshay loves Kareena who is also loved by Anil. Is it a tragedy movie? Oh yes, yes, YES! For the audience.And Yash Raj films. Is it an educational movie? Maybe, they teach you how not to speak Englees.

Ok, attempt failed. Next let me try and find a basic point to the entire story (from whatever little I did understand from whenever I was awake)

Attempt#1: Do not steal from the Bhai-log. Or you'd have to face his red-haired wrath
Attempt#2: Do not trust a (flat-chested) woman just because she wears revealing clothes
Attempt#3: Englees hamara Universal language nahi is.
Attempt#4: Never trust the one you love. Worse, never trust the one who loves you. She just may end up being the bad guy's childhood love.
Attempt#5: .........................

Ok, failure again. Forget it, guess I'd get into narrative-mode. Starting now.

Scene 1: Random car down a deserted desert. Hollywood-ish look. From the car emanates, alternatingly, some English song and Kabhi-kabhi-mere-dil-mein. The car swerves this way and that and finally catapults off the mountain and *splash* into water. Next shot: Saif. He bubbles something under-water about how he should've listened to his mother about something and blah blah and suddenly a gun is pointed at his head.

Flash-back time. Saif is, keeping with the current times, a BPO-guyand a part-time English tutor. Enter heroine: Wet-in-the rain plus padded-bra minus the pads Kareena. Love at first sight. She approaches him and says she needs his tutoring help but it would have to be home-tutoring. Would he refuse the offer?? Never! Duet song by the waterfall beckons, afterall! Unfortunately, he discovers it isn't she who requires the tutoring but her Boss, aka, Anil dada. He has 2 pachyderm-look-alike assistants, you know, the dumb, trained to kill types, who add that extra humour (?) element.

All is well until suddenly one day, Anil lashes out at Kareena for some unknown, mysterious reason and she runs away crying. Saif, all angry and protective, asks her to leave her job and "mujshe shaadi karlo" dialogues follow. But she refuses, because she is bound to work under him as it was her "pitaji's karz". Master plot: They decide to steal money (Kareena receives the 'money bags' containing crores from Anil's 'Clients') from Anil, run away and live happily ever after. So now, Saif realizes he needs to apply for 'leave' from office because he's 'running away' (!) and so he goes leaving her alone at his place. As expected, he comes back to an empty room.

Scene change: Salwar-clad desi girl becomes Bikini-sporting babe and she warns noone in particular "Don't look at me like that baby". There's really not much of her to look-at unless bared ribs are an attraction. Anyway, this is the right time for the entry of Main Hero: 'Akki' Bhai. He's the bred-on-violence-Dada-doting Associate Baddie. His mission: To search hither and tither for the 2 perpetrators and kill them. Wish that was the way the movie ended, but nope.

Akki 'interrogates' Saif but to no avail. That's when Saif realizes,"She would have gone to Hardiwar to lay to rest her father's asthi". And the journey begins. It's too boring to even get into details. Lemme gist it out. So they find her and threaten her to give the money and all that. But she's one helluva clever woman ok? She's hidden the money in different locations all over India!!And so the journey continues. In the midst of all this, she makes an indecent proposal to Saif that they could still take the money and run away now. So, to take care of Akki, Kareena 'flirts' with him to make him fall for her evil vices (depicted by cutting off her jeans into the tiniest of tiny shorts, baring her legs etc etc).

Highlight scene of the movie: Akki and Kareena having a tete-a-tete over Daaru and snacks on a boat by the river. A teary Akki reveals his innermost secret- how he, Ullu Ram, lost the only girl he ever loved- Guddi. Second flashback: He was a bijli thief and she, the cute lil girl-somewhere-near-next-door. Minor squabbles leads to big-time love and he asks her out on a date by the banks of the river. He goes there and some people attack him for stealing electricity. He puts a knife into one guy's leg, thanks to which, he gets sent to prison. Gets out 2 years later to find Guddi missing. End of love story. He completes his story and looks up to find Kareena, eyes glistening et al. She jumps up and says,"Ulluram, Guddi is I"! in not-so-poetic words. Yes, REALLYYY!!!!!

The rest of it is obvious. They join hands and decide to end Anil Dada's life in Tashan (style). And how! Our very own Bebo does a Kill Bill Uma Thurman-ish sky diving attack on Anil and pierces her long sword into his chest screaming "Aarrrrggghhhhh". The scene is unbearably gruesome, uh not the killing, but Kareena's contorted face!

Bad guy dead. Good guys live on. End of movie. End of post.

Here, this Crocin's for you.

Note: If any of you has seen the movie and liked it, please leave your contact number as a comment. A fellow hiphop-ian suggested rifle-shooting as a hobby and I'm planning to enrol. I'm not too sure yet, but I guess we would be required to bring in our own targets and I'm certain you could be of some assistance. So please, don't forget.

Tag-athon! Cause: Run (the memory cells) to aid eternal-preservation of Memories.

Tagged by OK. He used his space to pen down memories for him to remember but after Drenched's slight persuasion and Payal-Rohtagi as bribe, this has been made a tag. And I decided to get down to the task asap, because my other post doesn't seem to be shaping up the way I want it. Besides, I'm using this as an exercise to try and remember because, as I've mentioned earlier, I've got bad memory. Anywayz, here goes:

1. Everyday when Dolly used to go to school (and I didn't cuz I was 1/2/3), I used to 'bid farewell' by wailing by the lift and begging my mum to let me go to school with her. After much convincing, I used to shut up and get in and I'd wear my sister's uniform and wait for her to come back.

2. The day I joined school. I was 3. This I remember not from the event itself, but mostly from what my sister told me. I didn't know which bus I had to get into to get back home. My Class teacher was in my bus and had told me to follow her. I guess I was too busy gazing at the other nutty kids around that I followed some other teacher and got into another bus. The buses weren't starting and there seemed to be a mini-commotion outside. That's when someone came in and asked if there was anyone called Preeti Ramachandran from Prep. I stood up and when I got out, there was Dolly, all crying big-time because she thought I was lost! (Now she regrets having looked out for me)

3. I used to wanna celebrate my birthday every-single-day of the year. I remember it clearlyyyy. Dad would be standing by the bathroom mirror, shaving, and I would be standing outside the door asking him if I could wear 'colour-dress' to school and take 'chocolates' to give everyone. And he'd say No, every-single-time. Associated memory: I'd celebrate my birthday 3 times a year. Schools in Bahrain would close down for summer vacations during July and August, the hottest months there. My birthday is in July and since it's holiday time, I would do the colourdress-chocolate-party routine in June itself, before I go on vacation. And then, I'd have another party with relatives in India. And the third would be on Dolly's birthday. Really.Every year (till I was 7) I used to get a new dress and my own (smaller) cake for her birthday. Most of my friends thought my birthday it was July 16th (Even me, for a long while :-/ cuz mine is July 11th and Dolz's is Nov 16th and I was just too confused!)

4. My Barbie House: Dad got it when he had gone for a trip somewhere (Uhm, yea, I don't remember where). It was this 3 story house which even had a lift! Well, not an automated one or anything, but it had a thread attached and we could pull it up and down. It had 8 rooms, fully furnished with bed, dressing table, bath-tub and all.

5. There was this kid named Adithya who used to be my neighbour. He was the youngest in the building, after Mayth moved out, and we used to bully him like crazy. I remember playing Monopoly and we used to steal all his money and make him lose everytime. But he used to pretty much adore/dote-on me. Inspite of all that jesting and jousting, he used to write me cute, cute Sorry notes with "I love you, Preeti" written on it and slip it under my door. (Don't even THINK otherwise, he is 6 years younger => total kid) And I used to melt all over.

6. My own sorry notes. I have this habit of writing people notes or letters when I'm angry or sorry, especially to my Dad. I've written sooo many "I hate you Daddy" notes and magnet-ed them on the refrigerator, a strategic location cuz it would be the first thing he'd see when he enters home! He used to pretty much ROFL at it, minus the ROF part and that used to BUG me BIGTIME. And then he'd tickle me till I didn't have a choice but to laugh.

7. I used to write stuff and send them through to magazines. Everyday after getting back from school, I'd start writing. Then I'd put it an envelope, write the address and keep it silently into my dad's briefcase. He'd find it the next morning and laugh, but he used to post them (atleast so I'm assuming). I've had quite a few articles published in the Indian magazine 'Gokulam'. I guess they did put mine cuz it probably would show their far-and-wide reach of their magazine, but yet it made happyyyyy to see it published. I had written a Gokulam rap, a store "All for my stone" etc etc.

8. Once on Channel 55, there was this program on animals and that episode was on chimpanzees and orangutans. At the end of the program, they gave an address for people to write into incase they would like to 'adopt' a chimp. It was obviously for people in the US but I still wrote a letter to them! I don't even know if my Dad sent it.

9. I had an imaginary friend called 'Atta'. Ok, this is realllyyyy embarassing :-/ Apparently, I used to keep talking about Atta alllll the time. Like Atta and me played this, Atta said this and so on.

10. When I was in my 1st standard, there were these 2 boys- Harpal and Jaspal, who used to call me everyday sharp at 6 pm and play the piano for 1 hour. My mum still reminds me of my 'boyfriends'.

11. I won the 1st place in the Memory test in 3rd standard. We had to walk once around a room in which there was a long table with 60 items. We had to then get out and write down whatever we remembered. I wrote 58/60. This guy, Adil, copied it all from me. My teacher knew he did but she didn't want to point him out. He got second place.

12. Me and Dolly used to call ourselves the 'Cross Sisters', no clue why. We'd pose in front of the mirror with our hands and legs all crossed up like idiots.

13. I remember this 4-wheel cycle that me and Dolz had. She used to ride it (most of the time) inside the house on the carpet. That was the only cycle we EVER drove.

14. Dad was very strict about girls playing on the road and stuff. So me and Dolz never used to go down and play inspite of alllllllllll our friends playing. We used to sit inside and play Scrabble, Uno, Mastermind etc. Mum used to feel sad for us and she'd let us go down (all the other kids would begggg her) ONLY if we didn't tell Dad she let us (I am a blabber-mouth by birth, you see). Dad had a white car and more than enjoying our play, we would constantly keep looking down the road for any white car that happened to pass. And if we spotted one, we'd rush up 3 floors in a hurry and jump into our rooms.

15. I had a black-board and I would 'teach' all my 'students' as I studied. I loved chalks and Dad used to get me alll colours and I'd preserve them.

16. We used to jump outta the bus with our bags in the front and beat on it screaming "Thunder, thunder, thunder, thunder CATS!" from our favorite cartoon.

17. On our Chennai trips, my great grandmother used to always give us Poppins. She had this Butter Cookies dabba that we had given her once and she kept her Poppins in that, along with her medicines. It was always sooo special.

18. My thatha used to buy us these kutti, colourful rasagollas and round bubblegum when he gets back from his walking trips with his friend Dar-bur chittapa (Christened so because of his sleep-fartness). I miss him sooo much :(

19. Fridays meant Calling-India-day. And every time, Mum and Dad would talk to all my relatives and then pass the phone to me and Dolly. Our Tamil wasn't great and we used to be sooo shy to ask "Epdi irukeenga" (How are you). We would awake early and remain in bed practicing how to say it right. But we'd always end up asking "Ammamma, how are you?" and she'd laugh.

20. I used to love it when Dad used to drop me at the bus-stop. It was just across the road but on Thursday mornings when he had an off, he would drop us. Dolly used to find it a lil embarassing cuz she was older and all, but I used to get outta the car like I was a Queen, all-smiling and showing off (for God knows what reason).

I've written more than I thought I would. I could go on but this would do.

Bouquets, Brick-bats, Claps, Stones, Praise...

*Drum-rolls, pa-pa-ra-pa-pa-pa, confetti, balloons, crackers, the works*

*Me clearing throat*

I hereby take this solemn opportunity to thank each one of you wonderful readers for taking the time out to come, read and leave your esteemed opinion on my silliness-personified-posts. It really means oh-so-very-much to me that here are people, known and unknown, offering me reassurance when I need it, and even better, just listening to me when I rant on and on. *sniff*

I started writing here merely (like everyone else) to make this my-rant-hole. But I didn't realize that there would be takers (not too many, but yet). I wouldn't be here continuing if it wasn't for each one of you. Just gonna mention a few:

1. My Beshtu friendsu: For all the love you guys have alwayz given me. And for reading my blogs whenever I tell you to. *sniff*

2. Dolly- You read ONLY when I beg you too, but yet, you ARE my sister and I do love you. *sniff*

3. Pp - You are the only one who checks my page veryyyy often even when I don't tell you to. Whether you like what I write or not, you still ask me why I haven't written if I haven't written in a while. Loveeeee you! *sniff*

4. Close buddy bloggers- Mayth (you belong in Category 1 too), Xh, Drenched, OK, Gradwolf, Uncle S, Busygurl, Keshi, Anna, Mustang: I may have not expressed it, we may constanly bicker over blogs and I may take sides with whoever is available just for the sake of a fight, but I still do love you. *sniff* (Incase you guys are having a stroke or heart-attack, do take care)

5. Not-so-close but yet buddy bloggers- You guys are super sweet to read my stuff. Love you all too. *sniff*

Now that I have reiterated that 'melodrama' is my second middle name (after Happy), lemme give you the reason behind this *sniff* speech- This is my 50th post!!!!!

*Crazy tribal dance* Uhm, I know it doesn't go with the entire ball-gowned-Oscarish speech and all, but hell, I'm as happy as a...I don't know I'm just happy! I know it isn't anything at all. Not a figure to reckon with (I just noticed a few days back that OK had 192 blogs for 2007 alone) but this is my tiny lil figure of I-me-myself thoughts and I'm HAPPY! (I've said it too many times huh?)

Another thing all of you must have noticed is the NEW-look of my page. (If you haven't, please quit blogging) It has been 'released' today to commemmorate this auspicious occassion (Ahem!) and was given to me as a SURPRISE by XH, aka, Anoop!!! Ok, the sniffs are coming back again. He actually took a LOT of time and effort to make this for me, just because I had asked him a long while ago to help me out with my template. When I recently mentioned my upcoming 50th post, I guess my excitement was evident, and he put 2 and 2 together and decided to make it! I'm all like super-touched right now! Thanxxxxxxxxxxxxxx a million, billion, trillion, gazillion Anooooo!!!

The End

P.S: I had to edit the names on the Best Friends cuz you guyz know who you are, and all of you are worth a million bucks. Just incaseeee I leave anyone out!

Funny takes on the IPL

Heyloo! For the first time, I'm gonna be putting up some funny stuff I found. Hope you guys enjoy this as much as I did. Please click on the image for better readability.

If you can't Love 'em, dont Hurt 'em!

Disclaimer: I'm not a member of the PETA. I am not one of those vegan or whatever people as well. I am just an emotional, Animalitarian pet-lover.

Opening Speech: (At the expense of being ridiculed for sounding like a 5-year old, I'm gonna say this) "I have a dog. Her name is Chintu. I love my Chintu very much. I love all dogs very, very much. They are very nice, sweet and playful. They are very loyal animals. They are much better than most ****ing humans. Infact, all animals are better than those ****ing humans. Thank you."

It's true. Animals are far superior to the on-the-top-of-the-food-chain bunch. They may not have as much grey matter or white matter or whatever, but they definitely have a lotta heart matter and that's what we lack. Or atleast quite a few of us. Picture these:

Scene#1: At Dad's factory
Sounds of whimpering in the air. Like someone crying. Dad gets out of the car and looks around and finds a scrawny dog a little further. The dog looks up and Dad sees red. Nope, not anger, blood. The dog's eye is gouged out entirely and it was holding it up with its paw. Pushing the flesh in and it came falling back. Again in, and then down. And then it bent low and went back to whimpering. An absolutely appalled Dad asked someone what happened and the man told him that some sadistic, sad-ass fucker beat it with a stick. Cruel?

Scene#2: My Home
My lil Chintu darling is a harmless 4 yr old German Shepherd. And when I say harmless, I mean she's probably a million times more scared of you than you are of her (you => those of who are scared of dogs). All she does is spend her time in the garage looking out through the gate, catch flies and a lotta sleep and enjoy all the attention we smother her with. Now does this little innocent thing, behind the gate deserve to be stoned? Many a (moronic) passer-by has, chumma, for the heckuvit, picked up a huge stone and thrown it at her. At times, it would merely created a loud twang against the metal gate, while at other times it would get into the gap in the gate and hit her. And she'd be limping for a while after that. Heartless?

Scene#3: Footpath outside Vivekananda college
Eeyore maybe a hero, and maybe the Donkey in Shrek, but the ones found here are not even close. Tiny, cute things (I'm not being girly, baby donkeys are really, REALLY adorable) with shrivelled bodies and that dazed, bored expression, staring up at nothing, and then down at nothing again, too lazy to move, too lazy to even turn their head. Feeding on some scraps of paper thrown at them from time to time. Mean?

Scene#4: Bahrain
*Thwank* Mom rushes to the balcony and sees a tiny pigeon fluttering its wings trying to get away. Mom gets closer and it flutters furiously but unable to move. Mom lifts it up and gently smoothes its feathers and she notices its wings are safety-pinned together. Atrocious?

If you nodded your head vigorously and answered YES to the above questions, then Congrats, you have a heart. If you answered No, with a so-what-? expression, turn to the wall and lower forehead towards the wall with full force and repeat the action 100 times. If you can't, let me know, I'd be glad to do the honours.

The World is indeed a small place. The idiots are everywhere. Everytime I find a stone in the garage, I feel lava flowing through my veins. When I rush out to see the perpetrators, more often than not, it would be a bunch of young boys laughing and back-slapping away. I've tried screaming & cursing but they just mouthed obscenities back. No point talking to a wall, no?

There are manyyyyy people who don't really like animals. It's a matter of choice. I have a best friend who doesn't enter my place even now unless (baby) Chintu is tied up. It's because she had a real bad dog-bite experience once in her childhood and she's paranoid till date. Such incidents may cause rationality to take a back seat and that's understandable, but to go ahead and hurt those vaay-illada jeevans (mouthless creatures, or rather voiceless creatures) makes Cruella DeVille look like an angel.

Having a pet is really one of the best things ever. Watching them prancing around, doing their silly antics is a total stress-buster. Everytime I enter the gate, my (not so) lil Chintu greets us with a huge jump and a slurpy kiss. Even if she isn't well, she would walk up slowly, with her tail wagging away to glory behind her and stretch out her neck for a pat. If that isn't unconditional love, then I don't know what is.

Animals are intelligent. Period. Animals are loyal. Period. Animals are the best companions. Period. If you don't agree, fine. But If you can't love 'em, please, don't hurt 'em!

Ok, I'm tagged!

Tagged by OK , Gradwolf, Drenched (And I didn't have to threaten them to do this. Honest). I'm putting another post on hold for this tag ONLY cuz OK said I would respond first! ;)

1. Last movie you saw in a theater?

A. Considering people in Chennai seem to have nothing else to do and all the theatres are 'House Full' all the time (and so are all the restaurants, coffee shops, pubs etc etc), the last movie I saw was "Velli thirai" - a Tam movie by Prakash Raj and Prithivi Raj. Decent movie. Pretty interesting.

2. What book are you reading?

A. "The name is Rajnikanth"- By Dr.Gayathri. His Biography. And I'm extremely honoured to be reading it. I'm gonna do a post on Thalaivar soon.

3. Favorite board game?

A. Monopoly & Scrabble. Monolpoly because it's probably the only time I'd have enough money to buy hotels and stuff. And scrabble because I alwayz win ;)

4. Favorite magazine?

A. Hmm, I don't know. Used to read Young Times as a kid. Read Reader's Digest for a while. But it's too sob these days. Read Cosmos once in a while, when my sis asks me to check out some latest shade of blush-on or the likes, but not otherwise, too much of sex for me to handle.

5. Favorite smells?

A. Mummy's cooking. And food in general.

6. Favorite sounds?

A. Daddy's voice. He sings like a dream and I can never, ever get enough of him singing. Yes, Im a total Daddy's girl!

7. Worst feeling in the world?

A. Self-pity

8. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

A. On a weekday, I'd wish I was in college. MBA to be specific, because I never went to college at all during those days

On a weekend, it'd be,"What's for lunch?" Because I'd pretty much wake up around that time.

9. Favorite fast food place?

A. None of those fast food places really serve anything 'fast', so I don't know.

10. Future child’s name?

A. I don't trust the people in the Blog World and hence to prevent name-theft from occuring I'm not gonna mention them (though my friends know of this). Maybe when the lil one is born I'll let you all know.

11. Finish this statement. “If I had lot of money I’d….?”

A. I don't believe in hypothetical statements.

12. Do you drive fast?

A. Yea, in my dreams.

13. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

A. If that's what you'd call my Dad, then yea ;)

14. Storms - cool or scary?

A. Scary. I'm scared of the dark. Storms are dark, gloomy and hence scary.

15. What was your first car?

A. Considering Q.11 is hypothetical, you should be knowing that I don't have a lotta money. Infact, I don't have any money. Not even to buy one of those miniature play cars. And so this Q is baseless and doesn't deserve an answer.

16. Favorite drink?

A. Water. And Tequila. And Vodka.

17. Finish this statement, “If I had the time I would….”?

A. Another 'if'. I don't have the time for this!

18. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

A. I'll eat anything on anything. Uhm, not really ;)

19. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?

A. Black. Because right now it's (a nice) brown.

20. Name all the different cities/towns you’ve lived in?

A. Bahrain, Chennai.

21. Favorite sports to watch?

A. Cricket, soccer, tennis & basket ball.

22. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you?

A. There are 3 people who sent this to me. So here's one nice thing about each:

1. OK: He thinks I'm cool. Ahem.

2. Drenched: She called me the Don of the Blog World [However she meant it, I'll take it the good way]

3. Gradwolf: He tagged me. And he said sorry for not tagging me the last time.

23. What’s under your bed?

A. Dust. Time to change the maid.

24. Would you like to be born as yourself again?

A. Oh, most definitely! Just maybe in a different place, with a different name. Also, maybe a different nose, thicker lips and bigger eyes. And oh, silky hair and a petite stature and a bit shorter and......

25. Morning person, or night owl?

A. I'm sleepy either ways so that would make me...?

26. Over easy, or sunny side up?

A. I don't know what Over easy is but sunny side up isn't my style.

27. Favorite place to relax?

A. My green sofa.

28. Favorite pie?

A. Apple pie, with vanilla ice-cream

29. Favorite ice cream flavor?

A. Baskin Robbins Rainbow Sherbert

30. Of all the people you tagged this to, who’s most likely to respond first?

A. Haven't tagged anyone yet. But I'd say either Satti or xh. The others just don't do requests!

Anywayz, I tag xh, Satti, Prathiboo, Janie, Mayth aunty and Busy Writer.

P.S: 1. I read Drenched's tag completely now and realize she also felt I'd respond first. And so, this tag is for you too, lil gurl ;)

2. I also realize I'm not the first one to do it cuz Shenoy (from OK's list of Tagged) beat me to it. But I still am the first from Drenched's list (of 2).

Sorry seems to be the hardest word!

Everyone makes mistakes. Come on, to Err is Human after all, right? But what if you make the same (or any) mistake over and over again? Are you to be forgiven? Or, more precisely, am I to be forgiven?

I seem to have a mental and verbal block when it comes to mouthing the word 'Sorry'. I actually gave a 15 min lecture to Prathi recently on why I feel saying sorry is total bullshit. My arguement...? That there's no point in saying sorry once the damage is done. I think it adds insult to injury. Like- "I'm sorry I said you were a fat pig". "Oh, I'm soooo sorry I made fun of your teeth, hair, eyes and nose the other day". "Oops, sorry for stepping on your freshly pedicured feet with my freshly soiled (& hard soled) shoes". I mean, what's the point? Does saying sorry really assuage that moment of pain/grief of whatever?

It's not like I don't say sorry at all. It just takes me a while to say it like I mean it. I need to feel the need to say it. To feel that I've done something wrong. I equate saying sorry to melodrama. Because the word alone is never enough and it has to be supported by explanations. And I suck at it. My (copyrighted) explanation for anything would be,"This is me. This is how I am. Period". Which obviously is never a strong enough reason for what I did, and definitely never understood by the other party. Most times, I just say it because I have to. Like a template. To appease the situation before it blows out of proportion. Like that pinch of sugar/salt you add to take the fizz outta aerated drinks.

I also get irritated when someone says sorry. 1 sorry is definitely not equal to 1 liter of saline water. And 1 sorry is definitely not equal to @%^&* joules of energy spent bawling like a mad woman! But if it is hurled at me, it wouldn't elicit more than an "Uh, ok. Because I don't know whether to say it's ok, or it's not ok or...what? I don't know!

And so, if and when I do say a sorry and it is accompanied by a decent-sounding explanation, you can be sure it means I'm really, totally, absolutely sorry. Like from the bottom-most bottom of my big heart. From every artery, vein, auricle and ventricle of my heart. You get it right?

Now, I'm gonna do something pretty dumb. I'm gonna use this post to apologize to someone I've NEVER said sorry to till now. For all the pain and hurt I have caused. Sooooooo many things I wish I could go back in time and Ctrl+Z!

That person is 'me'. This apology is for:
1. Hurting myself over and over again.
2. Unecessary, unwanted quanitities of tears shed.
3. Making stupid decisions (in the past and now) inspite of knowing that it wouldn't work out.
4. And most recently, for using the eye make-up remover unjudiciously, knowing that I'm allergic to it, resulting in, like obvious, a scab-like under-eye allergy.

I sincerely hope that I shall be forgiven by my Divine Self.

P.S: 1. Don't reach out for the phone to call the asylum. Don't worry, I certainly do not suffer from "Multiple-personality disorder". This is just me. This is just how I am ;)

2. If it seems like I've contradicted myself somewhere there, it maybe so, because my thoughts on this aren't all that clear, even to me.

3. I started this post day before yesterday during one of my usual low moments. I did something stupid again and I really felt like saying sorry (to myself) for letting myself go through those shitty emotions and all that crazy pain. But then, the whole of yesterday, I was doing a lot better and I didn't feel like going ahead with it. But then again today I got reminded of what I did and so here it is, a full-blown apology note to myself! [Confused...??? :D]

4. Uh, I was supposed to add another P.S, don't remember it now :D

And then there are the FAT...

Men, Women and then there are the Fat. As far as I see it, this is THE most prevalent classification of mankind. The others, based on religion, caste, geography and all that blah, fade into oblivion.

I maybe digressing now, but lemme tell you a recent and relevant incident . Another one of those girl-inspection days. One set of parents walked in, walked over (us) and walked out. The 'Mom' was pretty sweet, all gushing that I was THE daughter-in-law they were looking for, while the 'Dad', well, he was a different story altogether. For the first 20 min of the conversation, the dude remained silent. So we were deceived into thinking he was the placeholder Decision Maker in the family whereas auntyji was the Real Deal. But then he opened his mouth. (Uhm, he did earlier too, but that was to stuff it with halwa, 25 pooris, potato AND unimaginable quantities of kalakhand that we served!) His first words were, "So, do you exercise?" If till then I was smiling and obliging, this question left me flabbergasted, because I knew where this was heading. I said,"Not really. I've been planning to, but haven't yet". Initially my mom got all defensive and for some godforsaken reason felt the need to justify," Illa, she used to go to the gym earlier but......no time now. And once she left it she put on more weight. But she loves working out. She....is very enthusiastic about it. She....diets a lot." etc etc.

Then he went on about how fitness is important and how his wifey aces 40 min on the treadmill every day (auntyji was beaming across the room) and how he is Mr.Calisthenics himself. All that with a belly the size of that cooking vessel in Jodha Akbar! Now, on a normal day, I would never be so mean as to say this about someone else, especially someone I hardly knew and that too well over 60. I wouldn't be judgemental about 'guests' coming into my house unless, UNLESS, he hadn't said all that he said!

Next he said, "I don't know what your weight is but I can tell you, you have to lose 10 kgs. And you should not gain it back after marriage". If I was flabbergasted before that, now I saw red. But I didn't say anything. Not that I care about what they think but I didn't want to make it seem like my parents haven't brought me up right. I could see my Dad and Dolz realllllll pissed on the side. Surprisingly, this time my mom (who is generally the one pleading/ screaming/ emotionally-blackmailing me into losing weight) laughed and said, "Actually, I've been after her to lose some weight for a very long time. But she says that Being plump is not a character flaw*. If that is the reason for someone to reject her, then she doesn't need a hyprocrite like that. She feels that what if after marriage if she puts on weight, the guy will leave her and go or what?" That moment, I could've just about jumped across the room, lifted my mom off the floor and given her a bear hug. I'm sure she would've thought I was nuts, but she deserved it!

{* That is a quote by a famous, wise, smart and intelligent person, aka Moi}

The opposition Mom decided to take charge again and subtly asked her husband to 'Ssshhh' and went on to pacify me saying,"Adellam thaana korayum. Just konjam exercise good dane. Don't worry, you are tall. Your weight doesn't show on you at all. You look really nice the way you are". [Translation: You will naturally reduce. Just a little exercise is good only] Sweet of her, yea, but not like I was worried and besides, the damage had already been done.

I may not be the dainty darling they are looking for but, what, if I'm fat I'm not marriage material but if I'm thin I'm the epitome of bahu-hood??? Maybe they should be looking out for Jane Fonda's daughter for their US payyan!

Forget just for marriage, fat bashing is everywhere. Fat people are the butt of all jokes. Harmless, at times, but never hurtless. All that extra adipose doesn't really cushion the heart from feeling bad! And you know...? Just because I'm taller and fatter than my older-by-4 years-but-shorter-and-thinner sis, I'm always considered to be the older one. It's almost like I'm gonna have to sport a disclaimer on my forehead henceforth reiterating my 'younger sibling' status.

It's such an annoyingly vain world out there that it really drives me nuts!Why is everything based on face value, or rather figure value? Even before saying hello, people have said,"Oh my god, you've put on soooo much of weight compared to the last time I saw you!" As I've said earlier, niceties are rare and unimportant.

But you know what? Call me plump, fat, gundu, chubby or whatever, atleast I'm happy. And I really would be a lot happier if everyone could see it too.