My 10 Most...

This may resemble a tag cuz its one of those '10 most-' posts. But it isn't. What I did yesterday and the 'pats-on-my back' I received for it prompted this :) Here are 10 of my most dumbest and smartest moments/moves.

DUMBEST (In chronological order, not necessarily in dumbness order)

1. Joining DAV: Strict, disciplined, All-Girl's school, geeky girls screeching over gawky boys, flunking exams and lots and lots of special classes. Yup, it is a wonder I survived it. (Refer post: The Middle Name Tag for more details)

2. Trusting Guy#1: No comments (and no questions)

3. Joining Sathyabama: Girl-boy no mingle jingle, barren land - to enforce rule#1, ie, girl-boy no hanky panky, Black glasses & white teeth, Punishment for looking at a guy/carrying oranges/short sleeves/low neck and rules like these. Survived, yet again.

4. Trusting Guy#2: Sweet talker, cute looker and best friend. Short stint, friendship continues. No further comments. (and no further questions)

5. Trusting Guy#3: He's crossed over so, no comments. May his soul RIP.

6. Joining ITM: Every morn regret. Class of 55 morons (minus us 5, ofcourse..hehe) , Class of 60 senior morons, over-zealous party poopers- fist fights,broken pots et al, high level 'bit' technology and strains of "Abey o" at every turn. They should have renamed it Institute for Terminally Mental. I'm quite a survivor, ain't I?

7. Trusting Guy#4: Save your judgements. There's more! [Further comments, contact Ruby ;)]

8. Not learning from Guyz#1-4 and trusting Guy#5 (!!!): Dumb-bell brained, deported, alcoholic, self-obsessed freak. Yea, yea I am a sillly girl. But hey, everyone makes mistakes....right?

9. Joining the gym: yet-again and (like obviously) quitting it half-way through. Inspiration to join-d*** head above. Inspiration to quit- revenge on d*** head above!

10. The reason behind this post: Trying to send a 60 MB mail from my Outlook (which I learnt today can send a mail of max 10 MB). Resulting in, not just Outlook, but my entire system getting fucked! Prathi had an awesome laugh and took the humble initiative of passing the word around. But considering it gave the World this post, it isn't such a dumb thing after all huh? ;)

SMARTEST

Ahem, ahem. Beneath that dumb exterior facade lies an extremely smart, intelligent, bright.......ok, u can stopping the eye-rolling now :)

1. Staying away from the jing-bang in DAV: by staying away from school itself. Got me into truck loads of shit, but anything beats going there. Even flunking.

2. Dumping Guy#1: No small fea(e)t for me!

3. Using 'messenger service' to talk to the Forbidden 'boys-at-the-back': Uh, actually, if you study in Sathyabama, all boys are behind you...I mean literally, cuz they all sit at the back! (College rules, you see-Karls (girls) wanly in the firshtu aar shecondu row. In bus and class). It was more for practical study purposes, you see. To study the trajectory of the projectile (tiny, rolled bits of white paper containing important information not transmittable by sound), analyze the speed etc etc. You know, physics. With a lil bit of chemistry and lotsa biology!This, by the way, is the secret behind Guy#2 ;)

4. Dumping Guy#2: Best friend or whatever. Super sexy eyes or whatever. Cute poems/Love songs or whatever. It should be just me, baby!

5. Guy#3: I don't have a prefix for this one. Probably the only guy I've ever loved (Yay!Finally). Sad ending. And even worse that he is no more (this happened after we ended).But meeting him was one of the best things that happened to me. Trusting him was wrong maybe. Falling for him wasn't right. But he kept me happy while it lasted. That's all the matters, isn't it?

6. Joining ITM: Yup, really. And no, I'm not contradicting myself. I could fail a psychometry test with this answer but the reason is this- how many (ultra smart) people do you know, who decided to take a break after engineering and join an institite for humour's sake? Donate some 3.5-4 lakhs of dad's hard earned money to get to be with some of the World's classic nut-cases. Now, I can proudly say, I've pretty much seen them all. And earned a Masters in Barbarian Administration enroute.

7. No points for guessing- Dumping guy#4: Or did he dump me...?I don't know. But better to be single than being the man!

8. Damn, I guess I don't have as many smart moves as I thought I did. I'm really sweating it out here thinking. Well, hmmm...I guess I would have to go with Dumping guy#5. Actually, not that smart a move. Cuz if I didn't dump him...?That would've been the strongest contender for "The World's Dumbest". C'mon, I found out through orkut that he was dating (like for 3 years) someone else!

9. Quitting my previous job: Read here for more info. [Indirect smart move-Hyper linking to other posts for the impatient 'one-post-one-comment'ers! ;)]

10. Probably the smartest of them all. Ending this post right here, right now!

Think your dumber/smarter than me...? Lemme know :)

My Humour has gone to the....Blogs!

Scene 1: Sitting alone at work
Me (thinking): "Hahahahahaha! Oh MY GOD! This's..hahaha...awesomely...hehehe...funny" *Tear wiping* *Reaching out to mobile. Ping*10 (X,Y,Z's no.)*
"Where are you? Are you online? Yea..? Ok, PLEASE check out this guy's blogs. They are just HILARIOUS! (continue giving her tidbits of info from them as well as the titles she just has to read)

Scene 2: Local chat shop in Purasawalkam
Dolz: "Oh man, marus (aka marwaris) are @$%$*@&&" (that, inspite of being married to one)
Ruby: "Hahahahahahaha"
Me: "Haha. Btw, that reminds me, today I read this blog and this guy said this and then he went on to say that and blah blah blah......Man, chance e illa! Hahahahaha!"
Dolz & Ruby: *Groan* (and they continue digging into their muruku sandwich)

Scene 3: Ruby's ZenDen #3033
Ruby & me (singing...uhh actually...SCREAMING) : "When you want it the most, there's no easy way out...Na na na na...That's the way it is!" [By Celine Dion. We couldn't resist singing along and recreating her contorted facial expressions, hand crunches et all, as it played on Radio City. Long time memories, you see :)]
Me (Struck by sudden thunder-bolt) : "Heyyyy, you know what....."
Ruby (Cutting me mid-way): "What? Your gonna quote another of your new found blog-love's extra-witty, extra-funny jokes...?"
Me (not taking in the sarcasm): "Yea!This one's realllll good.................."
Ruby (grimacing, groaning, cursing AND turning up the volume): " Go on...!"

Scene 4: My green sofa
Me: "Hahahaha"
Me: "Hehehehe"
Me: "Hihihoho" [only thing missing was the head-scratching :D]
My Mom (looking at me worriedly & calling Dad): "Inga vaango. Preeti enamo thaniya sirikra. Enaku bayama iruku!" [Please come here. Preeti's laughing alone. I'm scared!"]

Ok. This is really serious now. This is real bothersome material. Ever since I discovered I could blog from office, I've been sooooo happy that all I do is browse/read/re-read/think of writing blogs. It's my sole activity (other than the trail mails within our 'gang') and I hit IE and type out blogspot faster than I sit down at my desk! It probably is ok that I am blog-obsessed, but my humour (or atleast what I consider humour) is seriously taking a turn for the worse. Can't help it. I've just gotttt to insert interjections from the most recent post I've read. I've just got to take references from them and enlighten the non-blog readers in my group. (who don't read them cuz they really don't care to or would much rather do other things and hence do not really want the enlightenment!) I didn't quite realize (yea, the realization continues) the extent of this obsession until I started working on my next post and I couldn't go beyond what I read. I was (and am) so stifled by the super-talented other writers that my creative juices are just not, forget flowing, being generated! And the result is this :)

Hopefully I'm gonna get outta this soon. Till then, I'm giving you all the link to the funniest blogger I've come across: http://www.krishashok.wordpress.com/ (Responsible for my recent bout of crazy laughiness) A must-MUST read!

Bald n 50, hot n sexy..?!

Rating: A

Disclaimer: This is not a work of fiction. Rather, as always, a work of emotion. It is not meant to hurt or please either sex. Dissent is natural and welcome.

Latest addition to my ‘List of Taboo Words’ - MEN (Also includes Man, Boy and anything masculine. FYI, few others would be diet, weight-loss etc etc).

Irrespective of age, I think they all think with the wrong part of their anatomy. I agree there are exceptions. There are those scattered, unintentionally good souls. The ‘decent’ lot. But then as my profs in MBA would say, “Exceptions are not examples!” And so, I can safely say that majority of the men in the world are born bastards. My views may seem extreme but I speak outta experience! I am pretty fortunate to have around me some of those real good guys. But then again, there are the others…

Case 1: The Boss - Right now the most happening story in my life.

The scoop: Getting hit on by my new boss at my new workplace. Bald and 50, glasses and a mole AND half my height! Oh and yea, he’s got a daughter who’s almost my age!

The Gory details: Unnecessary hand holding, extra long hand shakes (inspite of me trying to yank my hand away), irking references to ‘walks on the beach’ with us ‘holding hands’ and me in ‘western clothes’.

His explanation (for the ‘walking on the beach bit’): To test how conservative Chennai is, and to observe what stories people would spin seeing us together! [To which I actually told him something as lame as my ‘arranged’ marriage would get affected by it]

My retaliation: Though delayed, I managed to muster the guts to go and tell someone about what’s been happening. I know, I know. I should’ve done this earlier (waited almost 2 weeks, but then, it’s just been 2 weeks since I joined!). I should have probably told him off myself. I’m not denying I’m a coward. I hate the very fact that I am. But I just wanted to make sure of his intentions. I didn’t wanna seem assumptive or that I read in between lines. Come on, I was just 2 weeks in! Anywayz, case is pretty much solved. Sad part is I still report to him, but after a lot of convincing from the HR, the MD and a few others, I do see sense in remaining where I am.

After-math: Mr. I’m-so-sexy has his hands to himself and his tongue behind his teeth. (cuz hez got this ugly gap in between his teeth and he talks with a slight lisp when his tongue gets there. Blech!) Nothing untoward. As yet…

Case 2: The Random Lurker – Crass, gross and all those extra-eeewww stuff

The scoop: Me and Dolz. One walk through Rakiyappa theru at 9.30 pm. One stalker. Denim clad, cap and book in hand.

The Gory details: Dolz gets all paranoid that it’s too late to walk. [For all the right reasons. I, on the other hand, vehemently denied and condemned her fears as irrational. Afterall, juz WHAT could happen to 2 SALWAR clad girls walking down a dark alley hardly 100 yards away from their house. Special emphasis on the ‘salwar’ for those of you who are murmuring – jeans la pota pasanga paaka dan seivanga (i.e: if you wear jeans and all, obviously guys would look. Like it matters!)]

Anywayz, back to the scene of action. I keep telling her to shut up and walk. She walks faster. I beg her to slow down. Mr. Hunk walks faster. He overtakes us. I look at her and triumphantly think, “See, he wasn’t out to get us. Happy?” Just then she overtakes him. And I have no choice but to run and keep up. And then it happens. He says “Excuse me”. I don’t know what made me turn (my excuse still is that I thought he was calling to say we had dropped a bag or something). Dolz walks forward. I turn. He says, “If you don’t mind (!!!!), can I taste your ******”. In ENGLISH. Like saying ‘if you don’t mind’ would actually make me not mind. Like it’s mandatory to be polite at the most irrevelant-est of moments. Like I would be all forthcoming in the middle of the road (or anywhere). Like all I wanted was to turn around and….

My retaliation: Thu, oru mannu um illa. I ACTUALLY screamed, pulled Dolz’s hand and RAN. And HE turned around and walked away.

After-math:

1. Immediate: Shivering, sweating, heart thumping so hard it ached, tears and complaints to alllllllllllllll. (except appa amma cuz if they knew, I would be under house arrest irrespective of night or day)

2. 30 mins later: Embarassment. For having run away. Anguish. For his audacity and my foolishness at not listening to Dolz. Anger. At all men, and hence this blog. Resolve. To learn self defense and carry pepper spray. To never walk again- at night. To listen to Dolz more often, she is elder by 4 years after all!

3. Next morning: Sheer self-disgust. Thanks to my darling friends rubbing it in.

“You should have just turned and given him one-tight slap. I would’ve done that”.

“You ran? You should have held his hand and cut it! Carry a knife di”

“Medical advice: Crush his throat with index finger and thumb. Would stop blood to his brain and he would suffocate” (Like my dumb, numb mind could process that then)

Guys advice: “ONE kick where it hurts most. Would have put the fear of God in him”.

Questions my mind is throwing-up (literally) now:

1. Why me?

2. What if his family knows? (the boss)

3. Does he even understand what he is saying? (the stalker)

4. Why me?

5. Why can’t I be bolder?

6. IF (God forbid!) this happens again, what would I do?

7. Thank God Dolz was there with me. If not…? *shudder* [Not like I would have done anything but run otherwise]

8. Any one know where I can get hold of that pepper spray? A shot gun perhaps?

9. Any other suggestions for how to tackle mean men…?

10. And yea...are all men this way????

Answers please!

I’m Walking Away…

“I’m walking away, from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away, to find a better place”

(Song courtesy: Craig David)

I don’t really think I can find a better place than where I am right now , but I don’t really think I wanna be here. Not right now. As always with me, that element of doubt is present. The ‘I really don’t think’ part. I’m not sure of anything these days. Infact, for almost 99% of questions people ask me, my answer is a stereotypical ‘I don’t know!’

Eg: Other: “Where do you wanna go for dinner?”
Me: “Uhm, I don’t know”

Other: “Do you even wanna go out….?”
Me: “Uh, I don’t know!”

Other: “Why are you feeling low?”
Me: “I really don’t know”

Other: “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Me: “I guess, I don’t know!!!”

Absolutely unsure of what I wanna do or say, what I’m doing or saying, what I’m gonna do or say. In constant doubt. And to top it all, I’m sore. And sensitive. I don’t know if I have the strength to go away and yet I don’t have the strength to continue here. I really am a bundle of contradictions and complications!

As I always keep saying in all my blogs, I have changed in the past few years or so. But I have also said that I hardly introspect into it cuz it’s like a Pandora’s box (I hate using this phrase, but it’s the best to suit my present situation) and analysis of depression could become the cause of further depression! But then during one of my recent (like yesterday and today) whiney and cryey moods, I decided that it’s high time I sort out the muck inside me. I’m starting to annoy myself with my own sob stories. An over dosage of melodrama and self-sentiment!

To me, the analogy of my past is to that of mosquitoes. Annoying, buzzing creatures that are found in every dark corner and every shaded place, flying menacingly at you and sucking your blood. If you let it be, it moves on happily, growing stronger with the blood I fed it. But the satisfaction of squashing it is immense. (Sometimes I worry I’m a cold blooded, blood thirsty killer when I feel the utter glee that I feel on seeing the red and black goo splattered on my white wall. Now after the new ‘mosquito racquet’ has been introduced, it’s the gruesome burning accompanied by those electric spurts of the lil menace being electrocuted!)

I realize the indelible damage the past couple of years have done to me. I realize the irreversible changes that have occurred to my gray matter. I realize the disastrous effects my own follies have. One part of me says it’s too late to go back. The other says it’s never too late to go back. In this constant struggle, my mind gives up and I decide to let bygones be bygones. But not this time. This time, I’m gonna get to the core of this. I’m gonna pick and cut and poke at those mottled bits till the cancer is out.

I really sound schizophrenic, living in the constant fear that the world is out to get me, don’t I? Though I do really feel it, there is something I realize [I realize I’ve been realizing a lot…Of what use that realization is, I don’t know! ;)]. Well, it is that the world isn’t out to get me on its own. I let the world get to me. One of those in-the-past-2-years changes of mine is transforming into an extremely insecure person. I’m way too cautious saying what I wanna cuz I’m way too scared the other person is gonna turn around & leave. And so in the process, when I am angry or hurt, I prefer not to talk about it. (and if someone tries asking me, my answer is, but ofcourse, I don’t know!)

I fail to trust. Anyone. Friends, family, blah blah. All of them. I know it is absolutely baseless cuz I REALLY do have the BEST of friends and family. The BEST. Appa, Amma, Dolz, Harsh, Prakash, Jane, Ruby, Prathi, Satti, Aj, Andu, Ry, Rekz, Arch etc who actually ‘work’ on keeping me happy. To whom I am not just another person, to whom I really mean something. Yea, there were those who left my side. Who probably felt I wasn’t good enough for them (or that I was too good, as I’d like to think, hehe) but they don’t matter. Cuz I have the ones I want with me. But yet, I’m insecure (I did mention I was nuts dint I?). Insecurity = distrust = hurt. Unfair huh?

I really wanna reach out and let them know that I love them. More than life itself. I don’t care if I sound all cliché but they really make life worth living, make me smile, make me happy! And so I should be thinking of staying rather than walking away. But I guess the mind is a bundle of contradictions, and mine is the embodiment of it!

I’m gonna end this now. But I reassure all of you that my depression, like my attention span, is extremely short lived (span = 5 ms) and so here I am raring to join dance classes and aerobics, battling a pathetic 50 yr old bald and flirting boss and making plans for the weekend like this spurt of depression never happened! Man, it really feels good to feel good! ;)

Song on my mind:

“Oh bloody, oh blah-da, Life goes on..
La la la la, Life goes on…..!”

P.S: Pp,Please dont laugh! And please remember, you keep me happy, happy, happy!!!! Luv u way too much kiddo!!