I’m Walking Away…

“I’m walking away, from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away, to find a better place”

(Song courtesy: Craig David)

I don’t really think I can find a better place than where I am right now , but I don’t really think I wanna be here. Not right now. As always with me, that element of doubt is present. The ‘I really don’t think’ part. I’m not sure of anything these days. Infact, for almost 99% of questions people ask me, my answer is a stereotypical ‘I don’t know!’

Eg: Other: “Where do you wanna go for dinner?”
Me: “Uhm, I don’t know”

Other: “Do you even wanna go out….?”
Me: “Uh, I don’t know!”

Other: “Why are you feeling low?”
Me: “I really don’t know”

Other: “Are you sure you’re alright?”
Me: “I guess, I don’t know!!!”

Absolutely unsure of what I wanna do or say, what I’m doing or saying, what I’m gonna do or say. In constant doubt. And to top it all, I’m sore. And sensitive. I don’t know if I have the strength to go away and yet I don’t have the strength to continue here. I really am a bundle of contradictions and complications!

As I always keep saying in all my blogs, I have changed in the past few years or so. But I have also said that I hardly introspect into it cuz it’s like a Pandora’s box (I hate using this phrase, but it’s the best to suit my present situation) and analysis of depression could become the cause of further depression! But then during one of my recent (like yesterday and today) whiney and cryey moods, I decided that it’s high time I sort out the muck inside me. I’m starting to annoy myself with my own sob stories. An over dosage of melodrama and self-sentiment!

To me, the analogy of my past is to that of mosquitoes. Annoying, buzzing creatures that are found in every dark corner and every shaded place, flying menacingly at you and sucking your blood. If you let it be, it moves on happily, growing stronger with the blood I fed it. But the satisfaction of squashing it is immense. (Sometimes I worry I’m a cold blooded, blood thirsty killer when I feel the utter glee that I feel on seeing the red and black goo splattered on my white wall. Now after the new ‘mosquito racquet’ has been introduced, it’s the gruesome burning accompanied by those electric spurts of the lil menace being electrocuted!)

I realize the indelible damage the past couple of years have done to me. I realize the irreversible changes that have occurred to my gray matter. I realize the disastrous effects my own follies have. One part of me says it’s too late to go back. The other says it’s never too late to go back. In this constant struggle, my mind gives up and I decide to let bygones be bygones. But not this time. This time, I’m gonna get to the core of this. I’m gonna pick and cut and poke at those mottled bits till the cancer is out.

I really sound schizophrenic, living in the constant fear that the world is out to get me, don’t I? Though I do really feel it, there is something I realize [I realize I’ve been realizing a lot…Of what use that realization is, I don’t know! ;)]. Well, it is that the world isn’t out to get me on its own. I let the world get to me. One of those in-the-past-2-years changes of mine is transforming into an extremely insecure person. I’m way too cautious saying what I wanna cuz I’m way too scared the other person is gonna turn around & leave. And so in the process, when I am angry or hurt, I prefer not to talk about it. (and if someone tries asking me, my answer is, but ofcourse, I don’t know!)

I fail to trust. Anyone. Friends, family, blah blah. All of them. I know it is absolutely baseless cuz I REALLY do have the BEST of friends and family. The BEST. Appa, Amma, Dolz, Harsh, Prakash, Jane, Ruby, Prathi, Satti, Aj, Andu, Ry, Rekz, Arch etc who actually ‘work’ on keeping me happy. To whom I am not just another person, to whom I really mean something. Yea, there were those who left my side. Who probably felt I wasn’t good enough for them (or that I was too good, as I’d like to think, hehe) but they don’t matter. Cuz I have the ones I want with me. But yet, I’m insecure (I did mention I was nuts dint I?). Insecurity = distrust = hurt. Unfair huh?

I really wanna reach out and let them know that I love them. More than life itself. I don’t care if I sound all cliché but they really make life worth living, make me smile, make me happy! And so I should be thinking of staying rather than walking away. But I guess the mind is a bundle of contradictions, and mine is the embodiment of it!

I’m gonna end this now. But I reassure all of you that my depression, like my attention span, is extremely short lived (span = 5 ms) and so here I am raring to join dance classes and aerobics, battling a pathetic 50 yr old bald and flirting boss and making plans for the weekend like this spurt of depression never happened! Man, it really feels good to feel good! ;)

Song on my mind:

“Oh bloody, oh blah-da, Life goes on..
La la la la, Life goes on…..!”

P.S: Pp,Please dont laugh! And please remember, you keep me happy, happy, happy!!!! Luv u way too much kiddo!!